Road Trip
by Xxaddah
Summary: The amusing antics of way too many characters. Now updated with more traditional spelling!
1. Where all the fun began

Author's notes: I'm sorry I wrote this. I started it a year ago, and am still writing now. If you're looking for a fic that tries to cram in as many characters from all different places, whilst attempting to be mildly funny, then this is for you. However, if you're looking for something that is well written and gives everyone their actually personality then this definitely isn't. This does get better. Please review, even it's to tell me to get my talentless arse off the internet.  
  
Rating explanation: Yes, I probably could have gotten away with a PG-13 rating, but who am I to judge whether you want to read about an orgy starring all the Planeteers? Sure, I'm not descriptive, but this gets much worse.  
  
***  
  
A handsome, badly dressed man enters. "Good morning star shine. Ahem. I'm sorry, that was good morning children", said the narrator. No, he did not get payed much for this job. "My name is Stephan. Yes, that's Stephan, pronounced Stef-arn. I don't know why I'm here. What I do know is that at any moment something interesting could happen. But don't get your hopes up. Enjoy the show. But remember, drugs are bad, Mmkay."  
  
Mulder wandered into a grassy field, muttering naughty, naughty words to himself. "Dammit Scully, you bitch fagogo! What's a fagogo? Why am I talking to myself? Hmm." Before Mulder could get too worried about his apparent psychological problems, the Planeteers landed next to him in their flying Planeteer mobile.  
  
Mulder was decidedly shocked. "Argh!" he screamed. "Are you UFOs?"  
  
"No", replied Linka. "We're Planeteers! We save the Earth with the help of Captain Planet!"  
  
"And I'm Snaps! I like to take pictures of Pokémon!" said Snaps, who had just popped up as if from nowhere.  
  
Mulder took a moment to process this information. 'Does not compute!' he thought, but then he remembered that how to speak.  
  
"So let me get this straight", Mulder said slowly. He pointed to Snaps, even though everyone knows that's rude. "You killed Andy?"  
  
"No!" Snaps replied, hurt and appalled by Mulder's accusation. "I like to take pictures of Pokémon!"  
  
"Oh", said Mulder. "Then who killed Andy?"  
  
"Buggered if I know", Snaps said. "And now I must go, because I need to take some pictures of Pokémon. That's something I really like doing".  
  
So off skipped Snaps, to take pictures of Pokémon, because that's something he likes doing. During the entire previous semi-argument, the Planeteers had been sitting on the grass playing Uno.  
  
"Uno!" yelled Marti.  
  
"That's what they all say," said Gee, trying to shut Marti down but only succeeding in making herself look like a try hard.  
  
Cute little Gohan flitted onto the field. "Hey everyone! What's up?" he asked.  
  
"The sky! Ahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!" Mulder replied in a crazed and frightening voice.  
  
"That's... nice", said Gohan cautiously. "You know what, guys? We should look for the Dragon Balls!"  
  
"The Dragon's balls?" everyone asked, in an exclaimy type style.  
  
"No, the Dragon Balls!" Gohan corrected them.  
  
"Yes, let's go find the Dragon Balls!" proclaimed Dawson, who had appeared as if from nowhere.  
  
"Yeah, let's do that. But not if Dawson's coming with us", said Karl, who had also appeared. "He's a reject, and no one likes him."  
  
"You can talk", replied Dawson, in a finger up the nose, head caving in sort of voice.  
  
And with that, Dawson and Karl began to bitch slap each other, over and over again. It looked like it might go on for a while, so Wheeler made a decision on behalf of the other group members, and called the one person he knew could help. MacGuyver came as fast as his legs, with feet attached, would carry him, and chucked both Dawson and Karl off a building of his own choosing, then danced on their splattered remains.  
  
"Are we going to get the Dragon Balls now?" asked Gohan. "Yep", replied the Planeteers. "But let's stay in this field for a bit longer. We haven't finished playing UNO yet." "Hi guys!" said Buffy, who had just arrived. "What's up?" "The sky is up! Ahahahahahahaha!" Mulder chimed in. "Um, good. So whatcha guys doin'", Buffy asked. "We're going to find the Dragon Balls!" replied Gohan. "The Dragon's balls?!" Buffy screeched. "No, the Dragon Balls", Gohan corrected her. "You can make wishes on them!" "Cool!" said Buffy. "When are you going? Can I come with you?" "We're going when the Planeteers finish their game of UNO. And of course you can come with us. You can even invite some friends!" "Oh goodie!" exclaimed Buffy. "I'll do that right now." Buffy then wandered off to invite her pals.  
  
"UNO!" Mulder shouted. "But you're not playing", Gee complained. "How can you have one card left when you really have none?" "I have none?" Mulder asked. "Then I won! Yay me." "Well, if someone has won then the game is over. We can leave now", said Gohan. "Let's go!" "But my pals aren't here yet!" whined Buffy. "Oh wait, no, here they come."  
  
In galloped a bunch of horses, each carrying one of Buffy's pals. One of the horses seemed to be larger than the others, although it could have been because of the enormous size of the person atop it. "These are my friends, guys", Buffy announced to the others already present. "This gal here is Lois, this is Clark, this is Phoebe, Piper and Prue, and this...", she said, pointing to the huge guy still on his horse (the others had dismounted), "is Riley. Please ignore the fact that he's naked." "I just feel more comfortable without clothes", Riley explained to the slightly frightened crowd. "Oh", was all they could reply.  
  
"UNO!" exclaimed Quami. "Dammit, I suck at this game", Linka groaned. "Maybe we should just get going, and try to find those Dragon Balls." "Dragon's balls?!" exploded Lois, Clark, Phoebe, Piper, Prue and Riley. "Yucky!" "No!" shouted everyone else. "The Dragon Balls!" "Alright, I think that we should maybe go now", said Lois. "But first..." Suddenly Lois grabbed Mulder and dragged him into a nearby patch of slightly longer grass (so it really made no difference to whether or not they were visible). Everyone also heard Lois say, "You're really weird. I love that in a man." And they started going at in the patch of slightly longer grass.  
  
Phoebe, Piper and Prue, realising that they weren't going to have a good part in this story, and also that they didn't AT ALL want to be anywhere near Fat Naked Riley, or scary (spooky) Mulder, began to chant. "The power of three will set us free, the power of three will set us free", they repeated, until they disappeared. Wow, they were set free! "Do you think that was meant to happen?" Clark asked Fat Naked Riley. Snaps then skipped up. "Buggered if I know", he said, though why he bothered to come back to the unusual group to answer a question which he didn't hear and didn't know the answer to is anyone's guess. Snaps then skipped off again to take pictures of Pokémon because he really likes doing that.  
  
"Everyone, we are leaving now!" shouted Gohan. "I wanna get the Dragon Balls." "The Dragon's balls?!" exclaimed Mac, who had just shown up. "No, the Dragon Balls!" yelled back Gohan, who was becoming frustrated. "Let's go!" "Sure Gohan, we can go now", said Clark quietly. That Gohan guy was really starting to scare him. Mulder popped his head up from the slightly longer grass. "Um... guys, can we wait a few minutes?" he said. "I have a slight problem. I... can't stand up right now."  
  
Scully jogged into the field. "Do you have an erection, Mulder?" she asked. Mulder's face turned bright red, really maroon. "Do you have to call it that, Scully? It makes me feel very uncomfortable." "Well, that's it's technical name. After all, I am a medical doctor", Scully replied. "Oh, yeah", said Mulder quietly. "Now Scully, I don't want you to get all mad and stuff, but I'm going out with someone..." "Who is it?" Scully demanded. "How could you? Everyone said we were meant for each other! I feel so disappointed!" "Scully you should have known that I didn't like you. You're so, well, scientific", explained Mulder.  
  
Scully then sat down in the grass and began to wail obscene words about Mulder being a giant dick (or something along those lines). "So, we're going to go soon, right?" yelled Mac over the din of Scully's crying. "I'm getting kinda bored." "We're going to keep playing UNO until the woman we've never met shuts the hell up", Wheeler said. "Wanna play?" "Yes, I sure do", answered Mac. So Wheeler, Mac, Marti, Linka, Gee, Quami, Mulder, Gohan, Buffy and Riley (who was fat and naked at the time) all sat down in a circle on the grass and proceeded to play a vigorous game of UNO while they waited for Scully to stop crying. 


	2. More death and destruction

Author's notes: Well, I got one review for the first chapter of this. Does that mean it's time to post more? Of course it does! This second part isn't really as funny as the first part. It gets much funnier later on, but that's about thirty hand-written pages away. But this has lots more of Mulder's craziness, and that's always nice.  
  
Confused?: Here's a short explanation of some important things I probably should have given right at the start. In terms of the X-Files timeline, it's around the end of Season 7. On Buffy it's before the Initiative was filled in with cement and they made a margarita out of the earth (read: when that general guy said "Salt the earth"). The Captain Planet Season really doesn't matter. Stephan the narrator is my own (crappy) creation. Snaps is that kid from a few episodes of Pokémon. The Andy I'm referring to is the one who used to be on Charmed before he was killed (that's what Mulder's talking about). Karl is from Neighbours, and Mac is from JAG (I think. My friend convinced me to put her in there). So hopefully everything is less confusing now.  
  
About the one review...: Thank you, Jade! Yes it is stupid. It's what I live for.  
  
***  
  
(Two hours later)  
  
"UNO!" exploded Mulder for the 14th time in the last 37 seconds.  
  
"Mulder, you have 16 cards", explained Matt, who had shown up 45 minutes ago. "You can only say UNO when you have one card left."  
  
Mulder put down 15 of his cards. "UNO!" he replied, and giggled.  
  
"Sigh", sighed Matt, in that way that people sometimes do. "Do you think the crying lady will be quiet soon?" he asked no one in particular.  
  
"Honestly, I just don't know", replied Mulder sadly.  
  
And so Wheeler once again called the one person that he knew could help, and MacGuyver returned as fast as his legs would carry him. This time, however, he pumped Scully full of lead, and danced on her bloodied remains.  
  
At first Mulder was a little upset that his partner of seven years was dead. He thought about everything they had shared. But then he remembered all of the shit that Scully had put him through, and he just stopped caring.  
  
"Where are the zebra's I ordered?" he asked in a lilting voice, before dancing off into the wildflowers.  
  
Buffy, being the kind, caring, Psyche 101 student that she is, was really starting to worry about Mulder.  
  
"Have you noticed that that Mulder guy is a few bread rolls short of a baker's dozen?" she asked Fat Naked Riley, her boyfriend. "I don't think he should come with us. He might put the Dragon Balls to bad use, and I just don't want that to happen."  
  
"I see where you're coming from", replied Riley. "Even me, who's fat and naked, can see that he's unstable."  
  
Buffy and Fat Naked Riley pondered the situation.  
  
"Maybe we could ask MacGuyver to 'help out', if you know what I mean", Buffy suggested.  
  
Riley was quick to reply to this suggestion. "No! Just because he's not working with a full sack, it doesn't mean that he should be killed. Let's just take him with us and see how things pan out. If necessary we can always call MacGuyver in later if he becomes a liability."  
  
"Liability?" questioned Buffy. "We learned about those in computer classes with Ms Calendar! 'Puter, 'puter, 'puter, 'puter 'pu..." Buffy trailed off, as Riley had hit her over the head with one of the huge rolls of flab hanging off his arm. She collapsed on the ground.  
  
Gohan danced (the tango, solo) up to Riley and the unconscious Buffy.  
  
"We're going now!" he yelled at them. "I'm tired of waiting. I'm going to sit down now and list everyone who going on this journey so that I know exactly who I need to kill so that I get the Dragon Balls for myself."  
  
"What?!" asked a groggy Buffy, who had just returned to consciousness.  
  
"Um, nothing", said Gohan. "Let's go."  
  
And so they went. The large group began the long journey to find the Dragon Balls, out of the large, grassy field. Five minutes and 650 metres later the large and mismatched group realised that they just couldn't be bothered walking anymore. So they all congregated a very nearby bus stop because, well, there was a seat. They began to discuss what they should do now that they were so tired. Mulder spoke up first.  
  
"Good morning star shine. The Earth says helloooo", he began to sing, in a haunting falsetto.  
  
"Could someone please shut him up?" asked Linka, very afraid.  
  
Riley responded by again putting his enormous size to good use as he had with Buffy. Mulder crumpled to the ground.  
  
"Well, now that that problem is taken care of, I really think we need to find an improved mode of transportation", Gohan told them. He then proceeded to tell the others about his new plan, which revolved around catching a bus around the world, because they were already at a bus stop, and they wouldn't need to walk anywhere.  
  
"I just have one problem with that plan", interrupted Wheeler, who really hadn't said anything for awhile. "What if we don't all fit on the bus?"  
  
"Well", replied Gohan, "we'll have to think about which of us would be most useful on this mission. Of course, I'm automatically in, because it was my idea to find the Dragon Balls in the first place, and only I know how to find them. Those of you who are not selected can follow us on foot."  
  
"Forget you, man!" exploded Clark. "I'm going home!"  
  
"Yeah!" agreed everyone.  
  
"Fine, fine", Gohan gave in. "We can all squish onto the bus."  
  
"I should think so!" Gee yelled at him.  
  
Everyone began yelling at each other all over again over who should be allowed to travel on the bus, but all of them fell silent when the great bus beast came around the corner. The bus stopped at the bus stop and the doors slowly opened. Marti peered through the door. The bus driver was visible, and Marti was certain that he'd seen him somewhere before. The bus driver was... William, and he was wearing his Wish Wellingtons!  
  
"Hi everyone! Guess what! I'm a bus driver! I woke up this morning with an insane, intense urge to drive a bus, so I wished with my Wellingtons and here I am. Where would you like to go?" William said quickly in an English accent (as he was English). He was obviously very excited about driving a bus.  
  
Gohan leaned in close to Willy so as not to let any other passengers that might be on the bus hear. It was, after all, somewhat of a secret.  
  
"We need you take us around the world on this bus so that we can collect the Dragon Balls", he whispered.  
  
"The Dragon's Balls?" Willy exclaimed, not keeping his voice down. "Why do you want those?"  
  
"No, the Dragon Balls!" everyone else yelled, because no one ever actually said that it was a secret. That joke just isn't funny anymore.  
  
"Oh", said Willy, suddenly less happy. He, like most people in the world, didn't like being yelled at by other people. Dammit, he wished they'd go away.  
  
Suddenly Willy heard, well, nothing. He looked over to where the large group had been moments earlier, and realised that he had wished them away!  
  
'Why does this always happen to me?' he said to himself, as he did the dance of magical constipation and wished for all the psychos to come back. After all, the money they'd each have to pay for a bus ticket around the world was rather large.  
  
The psychos reappeared, collapsed on the ground. Then Buffy lifted her head and glared at Willy.  
  
"You know, that was really mean", she said, pausing every few effect, in a deadly voice. "Really mean."  
  
Wheeler sat up too. "Hey guys, do you think that I should call the one person who can help us with this", he gestured to Willy, "problem?"  
  
"Yeah!" yelled Fat Naked Riley.  
  
"Yeah!" yelled the Planeteers.  
  
"Yeah!" yelled Mulder. "Sing us a song, William!"  
  
"Yeah!" yelled Lois.  
  
"Yeah!" yelled William. "I mean no! Please don't hurt me!"  
  
"I'm sorry, but you should have thought of that before you wished us away", Quami explained to him.  
  
And so Wheeler called MacGuyver, and he came as fast as his legs could carry him. Just before he threw William (without his Wellingtons) off a cliff William began to cry. And as he was falling to his death he screamed, "But I wished you baaaaaaack!"  
  
And MacGuyver danced on his bloody remains, splattered at the bottom of the cliff.  
  
"Of course, now I suppose we need a new bus driver", said Gee.  
  
"I'll drive!" exclaimed Matt. "At least I know where we're meant to be going. And we won't have to pay for tickets."  
  
Everyone cheered, and then boarded the bus: Mulder and Matt; Lois and Clark; Buffy and Fat Naked Riley; all of the Planeteers; MacGuyver, who had just shown up again and decided to come along for the ride and Snaps, who likes to take pictures of Pokémon. Gohan led the way. 


	3. Spice up your life

Author's notes: This being called stupid comedy is a good thing, right? Sure, why not. This next bit is better than the second one. I think so, anyway. There's really no explanation required, so on with the show, in a Moulin Rouge way! No, not really. Oh, and I don't know if Buffy or Spike have super hearing, and I really don't think Buffy does, but since this is my little universe I'm pretending that they do.  
  
Spice World: I'd just like to point out that I don't own the Spice World CD, so I was just guessing about both the order of the songs, and what is actually on the CD. I just used the songs that I either like or the ones that fit the scene. Please don't mention the non-knowledge I have about the Spice Girls.  
  
I love everyone!: Thanks for the compliment on my stupid comedy, Gman! It's actually what inspired me to computerise this part. And the reason the MacGuyver is the one who "helps out" is because I just wanted him to be there for some reason, and that was the first reason that came into my head. I suppose it would have been funnier if I'd made it a My Little Pony, or something...  
  
***  
  
When all of those looking for the Dragon Balls had entered the bus no one knew where they should sit, or who to sit next to. So they just stood in the aisle, frantically looking around for spare seats.  
  
Suddenly Buffy recognised someone she knew. "Oh my God, Spike!" she exclaimed, yelling out to the bleachy blonde vampire who was presently looking through a rather graphic pornographic magazine called "Playvamp".  
  
"Slayer!" Spike replied, and proceeded to blush a lovely pink. He attempted to hide the magazine in a large purple backpack, which was resting next to his feet. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm not allowed to tell, because it's a secret", said Buffy. "But I'll tell you anyway, if... you let me sit next to you."  
  
"Be my guest", said Spike, in a very evil sounding voice.  
  
But then Riley piped up. "Buffy...", he whined. "I thought you were going to sit with meeee..."  
  
"Sorry Riley", Buffy replied, "but I just don't think that there's room on these small bus seats for you AND someone else. You are pretty fat, after all."  
  
After pondering Buffy's statement for awhile Riley realised that she was right, and so he sat down in an extra large seat up the front by himself.  
  
"Alrighty everybody, the last person sitting down has to stay behind and knit pot holders!" Gohan yelled angrily because he wanted to get moving, and also because he really needed some new potholders.  
  
There was a scrambling for seats. Mulder ended up next to his new girlfriend Lois, the Planeteers squashed across the back seat, the two little anime boys (Snaps and Gohan) sat together, Clark sat next to MacGuyver, Fat Naked Riley was already sitting by himself, and Matt got the driver's seat (as he's driving). And of course Buffy was sitting next to Spike, unsuitably close to him, especially since she's meant to be going out with Riley.  
  
"So, what was this big secret, pet?" Spike asked Buffy.  
  
"We are looking for... the Dragon Balls!" Buffy whispered in his ear, just before she licked it.  
  
"Ah!" Spike shouted (but pretty quietly). "The Dragon's Balls? And also, why did you lick my ear?"  
  
"Um, speed bump", Buffy lied. "And it's Dragon Balls, not Dragon's Balls."  
  
"But the bus isn't moving", Spike said to himself, but because of Buffy's super slayer hearing she heard him. She pretended she didn't.  
  
"So, anyway", Spike continued, "what are the Dragon Balls?"  
  
"They are apparently really cool. You can make wishes on them! Do you wanna come?" Buffy asked.  
  
Spike pondered this. For about one and a half seconds. What kind of pathetic fool passes up the opportunity to spend extra time with the object of their affection?  
  
"Sure. That could be a bit of fun", he told Buffy. "That sounds like an alright deal."  
  
Buffy was pleased.  
  
'Now begins the seduction', she thought to herself, and smiled to herself.  
  
Meanwhile, Snaps had moved to his own seat, as Gohan had the unusual habit of elbowing him in the side every 22 seconds and then making a strange cat sound. After five minutes of waiting for the bus to leave he had gotten so sick of it that he had gone to talk to Matt, who was still trying to figure out how to drive the bus. Or maybe he was just trying to figure out how to start it. He had never driven a bus before, after all.  
  
"Come on Matt, you can do it!" said Snaps, urging him on.  
  
"I know that!" Matt replied, slightly annoyed. "I've been trying to see the pictures in the bleached guys, magazine by looking in the rear view mirror. I suppose we should leave now, though. We really don't want to make Gohan mad. He's not quite all there, and really freaks me out."  
  
And with that thought in mind Matt started the bus and began a slow trek down the road, on a mission for the Dragon Balls. A cheer went up from the crowd, because they were excited about watching the orgy the Planeteers were having on the back seat. But it was over almost before it began, and so everyone went back to what they had been doing before all the fun started: virtually nothing.  
  
After a few minutes Clark realised two things. The first was that Willy (the deceased bus driver) had left his wish Wellingtons sitting, unattended, at the front of the bus. The second thing that Clark noticed was that there was no music playing. Music is ALWAYS playing during a bus trip. But he wanted to take care of the most important of his two realisations first.  
  
"Hey everyone!" he shouted, sounding excited. "We need music!"  
  
"Don't worry, I have the best CD ever!" Spike yelled back. He took a CD from his back pack and handed it over to Matt, who placed it in the Super Special Bus CD System (whilst driving). Music began to play. Spike's CD was... Spice World!  
  
The first song came on, and it was "Goodbye". Because everyone is stupid they thought that it was the most romantic song ever, and they all got up to dance. Mulder danced with his new girlfriend Lois, Linka danced with Wheeler, Marti danced with Gee, Quami danced with himself, Gohan danced with Snaps (even though they now hate each other), and Buffy continued with her plan of seduction by asking Spike to dance. Riley was really jealous, until he noticed that MacGuyver was available. Matt was about to get up and dance as well when he too realised two things. The first was that he needed to drive the bus, and the second was that that hot chick Mac was gone.  
  
"Oh well", he said to himself. "She probably got distracted by a really big navy uniform or something. It's not like anyone liked her anyway."  
  
Clark wasn't dancing. He'd always hated the Spice Girls. Now, what had he realised before? That's it! Clark jumped to his feet, and wended his way carefully to the from of the bus, so as not to disrupt the scary crowd still dancing to Spice World in the bus aisle. Once he reached the front Clark pounced on the Wellingtons, lying discarded by the door. Clutching them to his chest, he ran back to his seat, again trying hard to avoid the dancers. He sat down and put the Wellingtons on his feet.  
  
'No one can get them if I'm wearing them!' he thought to himself triumphantly, as his feet were squished beyond recognition. They had previously belonged to a six year old, after all. The Wellingtons that is, not his feet.  
  
On the dance floor/bus aisle Buffy and Spike were dancing way too close for two people who are meant to be enemies. Riley stared at them, jealous of how close they seemed to be. He began chanting to himself, just to make him forget about the embarrassing display going on nearby.  
  
'I'm a lumberjack, and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day. I'm a lumberjack, and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day. Ahh, that feels better', Riley thought. 'I think I might go to sleep now.'  
  
And Riley fell asleep, his head cushioned by his enormous fat stomach.  
  
"Goodbye" ended, and "Spice up your life" began blasting out of the speakers. Most of the rabid dancers had sat back down, having grown tired of the previous song after the second verse. But the new song, an old favourite, revived everyone's desire to dance their collective arses off, so there was a great stampede as they all rushed back to the dance floor. Riley, awoken from his thirty second sleep by the noisy crowd all singing, "People of the world! Spice up your life! Every boy and every girl! Spice up your life!" was annoyed, but then he remembered that this was one of his favourite songs, and almost as good as "Mm, bop", the greatest song of all time!  
  
So Riley jumped to his feet and joined in the fun. He flopped in a really fat way over to Buffy, and did that hip bump thing with her. She flew through the air, landed on Spike who had bent down to tie his shoelace, and they both fell to the floor in a heap. Buffy was at first very angry at Riley, but when Spike started moaning (even though it was probably from pain) Buffy realised that her situation may not be as bad as she first thought.  
  
Spike looked up to see who the moron was that had landed on him, interrupting his very enjoyable dancing to his favourite CD and shoe lace tying.  
  
'People are going to die...', he thought to himself. Spike looked over his shoulder, and into Buffy's backside. She was trying to get up, you see. Spike had stared at the particular part of Buffy so many times that he would have recognised it from a mile away.  
  
"What's this I see before me?" he asked mischeivously.  
  
"Depends on where you're looking", Buffy replied. She sounded devious in every sense of the word.  
  
Both Buffy and Spike stood up at the same time, as "Spice up your life reached is dramatic conclusion. A cheer came up from the bus, as it pulled into the car park of... a McDonalds.  
  
***  
  
A comment: I don't know why all of the characters seem to think unusual things to themselves. That's just the way it is. 


	4. Jigging it up

Author's notes: No reviews for the third chapter? You people are so unkind! Nah, I can see how you wouldn't want to read this. I'm only putting this up because the book I originally wrote it in is falling apart. In other news, this is probably the funniest part so far. I don't think there's any explanation required (except that yes, I do know that MacGuyver's hair isn't as humorous as I claim it is), so here we go!  
  
Disclaimer: No, I don't own McDonalds. Thank God. And I am actually aware of the fact that Ronald McDonald doesn't usually work at the counter.  
  
***  
  
Mulder spoke up for the first time in what seemed to the other bus passengers like ages.  
  
"McDonalds? This is where my friend lives! His name is Ronald! I remember the first time I met him, when I was but a little, wee lad. He seems to move house all the time though. He's always at every McDonalds that I go to."  
  
Mulder appeared to be very excited about being at McDonalds; more so than he should have been.  
  
Everyone departed the bus, as they had not eaten since before they had arrived at the nameless field, many hours earlier, and also because it was dinnertime. As they filed into the restaurant Gohan began to wonder how exactly he was going to order for fifteen people.  
  
"This is just asking for trouble", he said quietly.  
  
Buffy and Spike, having their super duper supernatural hearing could easily hear him. Fortunately they didn't give a crap about Gohan, midget extraordinaire. Spike was too busy gazing longingly at Buffy's chest, and Buffy was too busy enjoying it.  
  
All of those in search of the Dragon Balls sat down in booths, taking up most of the left side of the restaurant. Buffy and Spike sat down on one said of a booth after agreeing to sit together. Riley was next to gallop into the room. He spotted Spike and Buffy, then manoeuvred his fat stomach to fit underneath the table so that he could sit on the other side of their booth. Spike and Buffy both shot each other desperate looks, but there was nothing that could be done.  
  
In the booth behind them Lois and Clark, the happy couple, were being unsuitably friendly for a family restaurant. Clark, the third wheel, sat on the other side of their booth.  
  
'That Mulder dies tonight', Clark thought, rubbing his Wellington-covered feet together. 'Only then will I get my true love Ronald McDonald to love me the way he should.'  
  
Clark looked wistfully over at Mr McDonald, who was handing a small boy some fries. The small boy was Matt, but Clark, being the obsessive psychotic that he is, didn't realise.  
  
Matt was becoming worried. Crazy Clark had been staring at him for a long time, ever since he had ordered his fries from the lovely young man with red hair and unnaturally pale skin.  
  
'I don't think I'll go anywhere near that guy anymore', Matt thought.  
  
In another booth Quami, Gee and Marti sat on one side, and Linka sat next to Wheeler on the other side, her tongue in his ear. Wheeler moaned. If Scully hadn't been killed several hours earlier she certainly would have been making some scientific observations.  
  
"I just don't know what I'm in the mood for", Gee said, looking at the large menu mounted above the counter.  
  
Wheeler laughed, but because of Linka's present activity it sounded more like a cross between a gasp and a hiccup.  
  
"I know exactly what I'm in the mood for", he murmured. He then quickly got to his feet, dragging Linka with him. "We are going to the bathroom", he told the remaining Planeteers. "Order me whatever, I'm not that hungry..."  
  
The others nodded. They were used to this kind of behaviour from Linka and Wheeler. It was nothing new.  
  
"Now that there's more room over there I think I might sit on the other side", Marti told the other, less perverted (apparently) Planeteers. "That flashlight that Quami always carries in case of emergencies is digging into my leg."  
  
As Marti swapped sides in the booth, Gee stared at Quami, who blushed in an interesting, Pokémon-style way.  
  
"That would have come in handy so many times! Why didn't you tell us before that you always carry a flashlight?" Gee asked Quami.  
  
"Um... it's my own personal flashlight", Quami replied, as embarrassed as can be.  
  
Gee was a little unbelieving.  
  
"Are you sure you have a flashlight?" she asked.  
  
Quami was worried. Could they know his secret? No, of course not. He answered, as calm as could be, "Yes. Yes I do."  
  
Like so many times in history, ageism had an effect on the situation, as Matt, Gohan and Snaps sat with MacGuyver in a booth near the counter. And I say ageism, because the three boys were making fun of MacGuyver's hair as he pretended to read a newspaper. Inside, however, their harsh words cut him deeply. His hair always seemed to be the cause of ridicule.  
  
'Why can't they leave me alone?' he asked himself. 'Why?'  
  
Snaps leaned over and whispered in Matt's ear. "Look at that thing on his head! I should take a picture of it!"  
  
"Why?" Matt asked.  
  
"Because it looks like a bunch of pidgeys are nesting in his hair! Ahahahahahaha!" Snaps replied, making Gohan burst... into giggles. Matt joined in, and it was all one big laugh-at-MacGuyver fest. How enjoyable.  
  
Gohan, who had suddenly become tired of laughing at MacGuyver's humorous hair, remembered that the reason they had stopped at McDonalds in the first place was so that dinner could be purchased. He jumped to his feet with a shout, and called the Dragon Ball searchers to attention.  
  
"Hey everyone! I think we need to order our dinner now", he told them.  
  
"Alright, I want a large fries and a large Fanta", said Buffy. "And a Big Mac that has an extra layer."  
  
There was a collective gasp.  
  
"What?" asked Buffy, defensively. "I'm just not very hungry right now."  
  
"Ok", said Gohan, trying to hurry everyone along. He scribbled Buffy's order in his handy dandy notebook, which he'd bought after viewing the Blue's Clues Variety Hour two weeks earlier. "We need to do this quickly. When I point to you, tell me your dinner request. Then I'll order for us so that everything goes as smoothly as possible."  
  
Gohan pointed to Snaps. Snaps jumped to attention, very excited about getting to order first. As he was dim, he'd already forgotten that Buffy beat him to it. What a dumbass.  
  
"I want... hmm, what do I want? I could have... no, I'm not in the mood for that. Could I, hum, maybe. Errr, I think I want a, a, a, hmmmm..." Snaps was having a very difficult time deciding what he wanted for dinner.  
  
Before Snaps could become too annoying Clark grabbed him, shook him very hard, and kicked him in the groin. Snaps, writhing on the floor in intense pain, whispered to Gohan that he would be happy with a small fries, a coke, and a Happy Meal toy, preferably something with Hamburglar on it.  
  
While all of this had been going on Buffy had secretly grabbed the handy dandy notebook and added two sundaes (one caramel and one chocolate) to her order. She then returned said notebook to Gohan. Nobody noticed.  
  
A few seconds after Buffy did something naughty (I'm talking about the notebook stealing and order altering, man you people are sick!) Gohan wrote Snaps' order in his handy dandy notebook, then pointed to Clark. The sooner he made his order the sooner it would be that he sat down, and the sooner he would be away from the more normal people.  
  
Clark didn't have to think, as he had bought the same food from McDonalds every time he'd ever been there.  
  
"I'll have a Fillet of Fish burger and a Fanta", he said. He sounded much too evil for someone whose life purpose was meant to be to fight evil.  
  
There was another collective gasp.  
  
"What are you doing?" Gee hissed at Clark. "A Fillet of Fish burger when eaten with a Fanta represents evil!"  
  
"I've told you this a million times, Clark", Lois told him. "Do NOT have Fillet of Fish burgers with Fanta!"  
  
"I just can't order that. Mr McDonald will think that we're going to rob his restaurant. We'll be arrested!" said Gohan, sounding oh-so-fearful. "You can have one or the other, but not both, NEVER both."  
  
Clark was very angry. He had heard this before, and he could never understand exactly why they couldn't be eaten together.  
  
"Fine then!" he shouted. "I'll have a McChicken burger and Fanta!"  
  
There was a third and hopefully final collective gasp.  
  
"What?!" Clark yelled at them, his face turning purple. "Does chicken and Fanta mean that I'm a mass murderer who's going to chop everybody into little bloody cubes?"  
  
The gasping crew laughed nervously.  
  
"Of course not", replied MacGuyver. "It's just that chicken and Fanta taste like mould together. You should really think about that."  
  
Clark was a little embarrassed. He began to rethink his evil plans, but then he remembered that he is infact evil, and that his plans should not be rethought.  
  
"Fine then", Clark said, trying to keep himself under control. "I'll have a Fanta." He'd had a craving for Fanta ever since he'd been told he couldn't have one.  
  
Gohan wrote Clark's order down, then pointed to Wheeler who had just returned from the bathroom without Linka.  
  
Wheeler looked befuddled. "Why are you pointing to me?" he asked Gohan.  
  
"He wants to know what you want for dinner", Marti explained.  
  
"Oh", said Wheeler. "In that case, I'll have a, uh, ummm... hmm."  
  
"Look, don't you start that shit too!" Clark warned, and he fixed Wheeler with an evil glare.  
  
"Leave me alone fag, I'm just trying to bloody well decide!" Wheeler screamed at Clark, splattering his face with saliva.  
  
Clark was extremely grossed out by this. So grossed out, in fact, that he couldn't continue the fight without first going to the bathroom to wash off his face. He ran with stealth (maybe he used to be a spy) to the hidden arena for a facial cleansing.  
  
Wheeler, still trying to decide on a dinner purchase, had begun dancing an Irish jig at a very rapid pace, as it had often helped him make important decisions in the past.  
  
"Now, dinner", he said, with a little difficulty, as it's hard to speak and dance an Irish jig at the same time. "What do I want? A Quarter Pounder? No, not today. Maybe a cheeseburger? No, I rather think not, I had three and a half yesterday. Hmm..."  
  
By this time an audience made up of the Dragon Ball searchers, some of the other restaurant patrons, a few people from outside who had been walking past and glanced in the window, and Ronald McDonald who was eating a soft serve cone had all gathered around to watch Wheeler jig his way into making a decision about his dinner. Although enjoying the attention he was getting, Wheeler could barely glance at the adoring crowd before once again thinking about his dilemma.  
  
"Hmm, maybe I should just get a large fries", he said loudly so that his audience could marvel at his skill of pondering dinner plans, talking aloud, and dancing an Irish jig all at the same time. "But then I might still be hungry. It's been thirteen hours since I last ate. Wait, I've got it!" 


	5. Decisions, Decisions

Author's notes: Why am I still posting this, you ask? Because I feel like it, now back off! Never mind, instead of backing off you could just R and R. Doesn't it just make you think of the other kind of R and R when people say that? I know I do. The reason why this part is fairly short is because I really couldn't go any further without needing to go MUCH further. What I mean is, I just wanted to finish off everyone's dinner orders in this part, but not move on to something else.  
  
***  
  
Wheeler paused in the jiggy goings on. The crowd gave a collective gasp... Fat Naked Riley had just keeled over, and blood had started gushing from his mouth. But right when some unknown audience member was about to run for the phone (you know, to ring an ambulance), Riley sat up and began to laugh.  
  
"Teehee, ketchup!" he said.  
  
Buffy dragged the fat naked one away to spank him because he made everyone look at him when they really didn't want to.  
  
Gohan, remembering that Wheeler had decided what he wanted for dinner before the unfortunate Riley incident, pointed to the redheaded Planet boy again.  
  
"Oh, me!" exclaimed Wheeler, for some reason very excited. "I'll have... dum da dum dum... A large chicken nuggets and a Diet Coke! I have to watch my weight, you know."  
  
The still-remaining audience gave a cheer for the best performance of a lifetime, then wandered back to where ever they had been before all the jiggy fun had commenced.  
  
Gohan wrote Wheeler's delayed order down, then pointed to Linka who was leaving the bathroom. She'd had to, as being in there with Clark (who had for some reason gone into the ladies room) was just too much for anyone to take.  
  
"Hmm? What?" she asked.  
  
"Dinner order, honey", Wheeler explained to her.  
  
"Oh!" Linka exclaimed. She looked over at the other Planeteers who hadn't yet ordered. "Do we want the usual, guys?" she asked, and they nodded vigorously. "Ok, we", she pointed to herself, Gee, Marti and Quami, "will have the family meal deal, because, you know, it has four meals and there's four of us. Pretty handy, if you ask me. What drinks do you want, guys?"  
  
"Coke!" said Gee.  
  
"Coke!" said Marti.  
  
"Coke!" said Linka. "Sorry, but I had to join in."  
  
"Coke!" said Mulder.  
  
"Wait your turn", Gohan warned him.  
  
"Tea", said Quami.  
  
The other Planeteers laughed.  
  
"You're the odd one out!" Marti exclaimed. "And also, you can't get tea with family meal deals."  
  
Quami pondered this for a moment.  
  
"I'll have a Coke, then", he said.  
  
Gohan again wrote this order down. But before he could point to anyone else, though, something happened. Fat Naked Riley spoke up. Oh no.  
  
"Oh PLEASE let me order next! Please, please, please, please...", Riley had gotten so excited that he had begun waving has arms about, and an ill- directed fat roll had hit him in the head. Fat Naked Riley had knocked himself unconscious.  
  
"He'll just have some of my dinner", Buffy interjected.  
  
Gohan, nodding in agreement, pointed to MacGuyver.  
  
"Me?" asked MacGuyver, because he's stupid. "Hmm... Ok, I'll have a Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal, and a Sprite."  
  
There was much applause from all those around, so excited were they that someone could order so quickly. MacGuyver took a small bow, before scampering off to play on the McDonalds' playground.  
  
Gohan pointed, next, to Spike.  
  
"You're next, bleachy boy!" he said rudely.  
  
Spike was very offended by this.  
  
"I'm very offended by this", he said. "But don't worry about me, I can provide my own food."  
  
Spike reached into his purple backpack he'd been carrying the whole time and pulled out a microwave. He sat it on a table and plugged it into a handy dandy electrical outlet that just happened to be there. Reaching once again into his stylish purple backpack, Spike retrieved two blood bags, which both had his name scribbled in the corner.  
  
When everyone noticed his name they began to laugh.  
  
"What?" Spike asked, confused. "I don't want people stealing my damn blood, or mistaking it for their own!"  
  
Spike then put his blood bags in the microwave, set the timer, and stared into the light, watching the bags spin around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and aro...  
  
Gohan pointed to Matt. But Matt was too busy trying to escape Clark's penetrating stare, he (Clark) having returned from the bathroom during Spike's dinner preparations. Quami tapped Matt on the shoulder, and Matt looked around wildly. Quami then pointed to Gohan, who was still pointing. There really is too much pointing going on.  
  
"Oh!" exclaimed Matt. "I want a Happy Meal with a Junior Burger and a Coke. And get me the best toy."  
  
Gohan nodded. But because he's stupid, he had lost track of who had given their orders and who hadn't.  
  
"Is there anyone left to order?" he asked, confused.  
  
Mulder raised his hand and Lois stood up.  
  
"I haven't", Lois said. "I'll have a small fries. I'm watching my weight, you see. Kind of like Wheeler."  
  
"And you?" Gohan asked spooky, psycho Mulder.  
  
Mulder began to sing.  
  
"Oh what, oh what do I want for my dinner, oh what, oh what do I want?" Mulder sang loudly.  
  
Other restaurant visitors began to stare.  
  
"He'll have a Big Mac", Buffy said, embarrassed.  
  
Gohan wrote this, and Lois' small fries in his handy dandy notebook.  
  
"Alrighty then!" he announced. "I think we can finally order!"  
  
There was a smattering of applause as Gohan made his way over to the counter and rattled off the long and embarrassing order to Ronald, who was back behind the cash register.  
  
"...and for me, I'll have a Fillet of Fish Burger and a Sprite", Gohan finished.  
  
"Sure sir, we'll have that to you as soon as possible", Ronald said. "Expect it in 20 to 30 minutes."  
  
"What?!" Gohan exclaimed. "That's outrageous! Aren't we meant to get any orders for free that take more than 90 seconds?"  
  
"I'm sorry sir, but that's only when you use the drive-thru. I'll see you in 20 to 30 minutes with your food", said Ronald indifferently.  
  
And with that said, Ronald turned and walked into the food preparation part of McDonalds to do whatever promotional clowns do when they aren't serving customers, donating money to charity, or posing for artworks.  
  
Gohan was decidedly annoyed, as he returned to the other game players. They had all returned to where they had been before all of the ordering fun began. All of them, that is, besides Fat Naked Riley who had stolen Gohan's seat, tired of having to view all of the barely concealed groping going on under the table at his old booth.  
  
Gohan called of his new pals to attention.  
  
"I'm sorry guys, but our order's a bit large so it's gonna take 20 to 30 minutes", Gohan explained.  
  
Everyone booed. Mulder began to sob quietly.  
  
"Why? Why?!" he sobbed into his hands. "Why did you have to die, Andy?"  
  
Many stared at Mulder, but he just kept on with his crazy ranting. 


	6. Balls, Balls, we want Balls!

Author's notes: It's been awhile, sweethearts! I haven't added to this in over a month, I think! If someone had reviewed... But if you think ignoring me will make this go away you're wrong. I'm doing this for me. I'm sick of carrying an A4 book that's falling apart around with me.  
  
Just one extra comment: This part is only slightly longer than the last one. But the one after this will be very long. Like, twice this length. I'm really not looking forward to the typing...  
  
Here we go again.  
  
***  
  
As everyone turned their attention back to Gohan, he continued.  
  
"So I think, since we have this extra time, we should take it upon ourselves to come up with a name for a little group of searchers for the Dragon Balls."  
  
There was a murmuring of agreement form everyone.  
  
"This is how it will work", Gohan explained. "I will come up with some different names, and then I will choose the best one.  
  
There was less agreement this time.  
  
"Is it just me", asked Clark in a menacing tone, "or is that method just a little unfair?"  
  
Gohan began to look nervous.  
  
"Hey guys, why don't we all just come up with a name, then vote? That would be fair, right?" Spike suggested calmly.  
  
"Yeah, what a great idea, Spike!" Buffy agreed, gazing adoringly at her spikey one.  
  
Everyone nodded as Spike stood up.  
  
"I'll get us each a napkin", he said.  
  
After getting strange looks from everyone, he decided to explain himself.  
  
"It's so that you can each write a suggestion for the name of our team down and then hand them in."  
  
Spike went to collect fourteen napkins as everyone else tried to think of a good team name. Everyone, that is, besides Clark. He was quite befuddled.  
  
"Why do we need a name, again" he asked.  
  
"Don't you know anything?" Gee asked back, irritated. "Didn't you ever see that Monty Python movie about the Holy Grail? Whenever people go on a quest there's always a bridge, and you have to answer three questions to get across. The first question is always 'What is your name?', and you would have to say 'Clark, of bada bada bada, you say your group name here.' My God, you're an idiot!"  
  
"Oh", replied Clark in shame.  
  
Spike returned to the tables.  
  
I've got the napkins!" he announced proudly. "And I also got these McDonalds crayons for you to write with. He threw everyone including himself a napkin and some crayons, then sat down next to Buffy, ready to write.  
  
Clark was worried. If he had to tell some guy on a bridge the name of his group, then the name would have to be something spectacular. Finally he was hit with a great idea. The name he had thought of was incredible. Clark was sure that EVERYONE would vote for his name. He picked up his crayon and wrote 'The Anti-Fat Naked Riley Club' in large letters on his napkin.  
  
Snaps knew straight away what he wanted to name his new group of friends and himself as a collective unit. He had already written 'The people who look for Dragon Balls and like to take pictures of Pokémon Committee'. He was currently sitting back and waiting for everyone else to finish.  
  
Gohan pondered his decision for a short time, then wrote "The group of people who do what Gohan says and look for Dragon Balls'.  
  
'I just know I'll win', Gohan thought to himself.  
  
Meanwhile, Wheeler held a napkin that looked suspiciously like it said 'Balls, Balls, we want Balls!' on it.  
  
Mulder sat, staring at his box of crayons. He couldn't quite remember what they were. He opened the box, and this made him realise that these crayons were, infact, what he was meant to be writing with. This new realisation was a good thing, because he had already come up with a good name for the group. He picked up a crayon that he thought was a lovely colour, and scribbled in his messy writing 'The seekers of the Dragon Balls and the Truth, which are both out there'. His task having been completed, Mulder began to sing quietly.  
  
"I cannot live without you, matter of fact... Wooooaaaah, I'm on your back."  
  
'What does that song remind me of?' he thought. 'I just can't figure it out.'  
  
Buffy knew what to write on her napkin. She picked up a crayon and wrote 'The Skegs'.  
  
Marti was worried (but not as worried as Clark had been) because he couldn't come up with anything. He looked around the McDonalds, looking for something, anything, that could possibly give him inspiration. His eyes came to rest on the large 'M' mounted outside the window.  
  
'Wow, what an idea!' he thought, before quickly scribbling 'The Power of Fifteen will set us free (P15)' on his napkin in a pale blue crayon. Which of course has simply everything to do with a large 'M' mounted outside the window.  
  
Sitting on the table in front of Quami, face-up so that everyone could see, was a napkin. That napkin said 'Let me at the Dragon Balls, uh-huh, uh- huh', which is a very creative name indeed.  
  
Spike was sitting at a table, his head in his hands and his eyes on Buffy. He had obviously completely forgotten about the task at hand.  
  
Lois pulled out her handy dandy typewriter and threaded her napkin into it. Stopping to ponder for a moment, she glanced around the room as Marti had done. As her eyes came to rest on Spike who was still gazing at Buffy, and this gave her the inspiration she needed. Lois typed 'The UST Dragonballers' on her typewriter.  
  
Linka thought about the situation. Then she wrote 'We make wishes, wishes I say, wishes, wishes' on her napkin.  
  
MacGuyver gazed at his napkin adoringly. The napkin said 'The give us the Dragon Balls or we'll mutilate your face clan'. Because you know, that's the reason why he adores it.  
  
'Ah, face mutilations', MacGuyver thought. He chuckled with glee, a blissful look on his face.  
  
Matt was presently writing 'The' on his napkin. You see, he hadn't come up with a name yet, but he was almost certain that it would begin with 'The'. Thinking hard, but knowing that he would never come up with anything good, he just followed up his 'The' with 'Party People'. Matt then sat back and waited for something cool to happen.  
  
Gee sat, face down in a puddle of Sprite on the table. Floating in the same puddle of Sprite was a napkin that said 'One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war'.  
  
Gohan, who was getting really bored, stood up and blew a whistle (where did he get THAT from?). Everyone jumped... because they had gotten so bored waiting that they had invented a new type of hopscotch that everyone plays at the same time. So they're all jumping around, and Gohan had to play his whistle again to get everyone's attention.  
  
"Quiet everyone!" he yelled, because they wouldn't shut the hell up. "Alrighty, I've taken the liberty of getting more napkins. Each one either says 'Death Squad' or 'Yay, I'm on the committee!'. If you get the latter then you are one of the five who is to decide which five suggestions will be the finalists. Everyone will then vote on those five."  
  
Everyone nodded in agreement. Gohan placed the napkins he had written on in his hat (I don't know where he got that either). Spike had a slurp of one of his blood bags, and this grossed the Planeteers out. Gohan then delivered one napkin to each person. After the napkin distribution, each was unfolded.  
  
"Yay, I'm on the committee!" exclaimed Snaps.  
  
"Me too!" exclaimed Buffy.  
  
"Me too!" exclaimed Spike.  
  
"Dammit!" exclaimed Fat Naked Riley.  
  
"I got in too!" yelled MacGuyver.  
  
"Me too!" said Gee.  
  
And so the chosen five, Buffy, Spike, Snaps, Gee and MacGuyver, went off to a corner to choose five finalists. 


	7. Get on with it, shithead!

Authors Notes: An explanation for the milk and vodka... I originally wrote this for my friends and I to laugh at, and in the original version I made fun of an ex-friend (who claimed that she drank milk and vodka. Um, ok). I couldn't bear to take it out, no matter who illogical it sounds. And yes, I know that McDonald's crayons aren't toxic. It'd be funny if they were, though.  
  
Tell me why...:I don't like Mondays! No, please tell me why no one has reviewed since the second chapter! Even just to tell me to shut up. In fact, tell me why in a review, and kill two birds with one review-shaped stone. That'd be nice. ^_^  
  
One more thing: I never realised how strange the correct spelling of awkward looked! It doesn't look right at all, but it definitely is.  
  
***  
  
Buffy spoke up first. "Now that that control freak Gohan is out of the picture, this how I think this committee should work", she said. "We all write down which five names we think are the best, and then count the votes. The final five can be the ones with the most votes."  
  
There was an obvious sense of agreement from the group. That Buffy is so smart.  
  
"Alrighty", said Spike. "I'll get the napkins."  
  
"But you can't vote for yourself more than once", interjected MacGuyver. "That's just silly."  
  
And so Spike went to fetch everyone a napkin. Then he decided that they probably needed a drink too, so Spike ran across the street to Discount Liquor for some vodka, then ran down the street to a farm because there's nothing quite like fresh milk. After that purchase he ran all the way home (or all the way back to McDonalds as the case may be). Boy, was Spike glad to be back. All that running around and drink making can really wear you out.  
  
Snaps was a little upset. Spike had taken way too long, especially since he was only supposed to be fetching five napkins.  
  
"It's about time, fool", he said to Spike. "You're such a loser."  
  
Spike was confused by what Snaps said to him. He didn't understand how this little midget Pokémon picture boy could call him a fool, or a loser. So confused was Spike that he couldn't even some up with a worthwhile retort, so Snaps escaped unscathed... This time.  
  
Buffy, sensing the upcoming the upcoming confrontation between the two boys starting with 's', hurried the committee along.  
  
"Alright everyone, Spike's brought the napkins, you've got your crayons, let's get writing!" she said.  
  
Everyone snatched up their napkins and began to write,  
  
Spike was still confused. But he got over that, and began that heavy duty decision making process. Who should he choose as his final five, his fatal five, his famous five? Gohan's name was definitely out. That boy was way too proud of himself. Snap's name was out too.  
  
'Who'd ever use a name like that?', Spike thought. 'It involves Pokémon, and Pokémon is sooo gay.'  
  
But Spike knew that he couldn't just think about the bad ones. After much deliberation Spike wrote down his four favourite names, as he thought the rest were full of shit.  
  
'Ok, here I go', he thought to himself, before writing:  
  
1) That Lois one about UST, 2) Balls, Balls, we want Balls!, 3) The Anti- Fat Naked Riley Club (because he doesn't like fat guys that wear no clothes, not to mention the whole jealousy over Buffy thing) and 4) The skegs, by lovely Buffy. Spike really hoped that voting for Buffy would make her like him more. She was a pretty hot chick, after all.  
  
Meanwhile, at a table far, far away (you know, on the other side of the room), the other day-trippers were sitting in awkward silence, awaiting the coming verdict. Gohan was the only relaxed one, certain of the fact that it was he who would be bestowing the name he thought of on his newly united team. Oh, if only he knew the truth.  
  
Buffy sipped her vodka and milk, then slumped onto the table. As it turns out, she has zero tolerance for alcohol, and Spike filed this fact away in his brain for later. Next to her sat a piece of paper that listed The skegs; The UST Dragon Ballers; Balls, Balls, we want Balls!; The Party People (because parties are like, so cool!); and One, two, three, four, we declare a thumb war. Unfortunately Buffy had finished half of her drink before writing on her napkin, causing her to choose names that may not of been best.  
  
Gee chewed on the end of her crayon, confusing it with a pencil, and also because she is very stupid. Then she took the yummy green crayon out of her mouth and glanced at the label.  
  
"Toxic", it said, in big green letters.  
  
'Why is this crayon talking?' was the last thought Gee had in her head before she dropped dead on the table... and got up again a few seconds later. 'Oh shit! Dead (technically) for two-and-a-half seconds! Near death experience, anyone? Woah.'  
  
Then she remembered the napkin and the life-threatening green crayon, and snatched it up. Gee quickly scribbled 'One, two, three, four, we declare a thumb war', because she's really proud of herself for coming up with that; 'the skegs', because it just sounds cool; 'We make wishes, wishes I say, wishes, wishes', because she's really attracted to Linka; 'The give us the Dragon Balls or we'll mutilate your face clan', because she has a well- hidden violent nature that's struggling to break free; and finally 'The Anti-Fat Naked Riley Club', for obvious reasons. Then Gee sat back and tried to recover from her run-in with the deadly green crayon.  
  
Crazy Mulder got up and went to the bathroom, then came back. What no one else knew was that he had forgotten to wash his hands.  
  
Snaps, having gotten bored, had climbed up on the table and began dancing to the magical music playing in his head. Right now the song was "Mumbo Number 5.  
  
"One, two, three four, five!" he sang to himself.  
  
Next to the little Pokéboy sat a napkin. And on that napkin he had written his five choices. These were 'Let me at the Dragon Balls, uh-huh, uh-huh' (because it reminded him of something from long ago, like maybe yesterday afternoon); 'The Party People' (because my God, does he love to party!); 'Balls, Balls, we want Balls!' (because it just makes sense); 'The power of fifteen will set us free, P15' (because he was really starting to miss those two chicks who had disappeared earlier in the day when everyone was still in the field); and best and most fabulous of all, 'The people who look for Dragon Balls and like to take pictures of Pokémon committee'. Tired of dancing, Snaps lay down next to the pot of one of those plastic plants that always seem to be decorating McDonalds and had a little nap.  
  
MacGuyver was bored. He'd written on his napkin straight away, and couldn't understand why everyone else was taking so much longer. His quickly written on napkin said 'The UST Dragon Ballers'; Let me at the Dragon Balls, uh- huh, uh-huh'; 'The seekers of the Dragon Balls and the Truth, which are both out there'; 'Balls, Balls, we want Balls!' and 'The give us the Dragon Balls or we'll mutilate your face clan'. 'Why oh why does everyone have to take so long?' MacGuyver asked himself, and then began to weep quietly.  
  
After all was aid and done, and all of the napkins were handed in, Buffy did a quick count of votes and realised that there was a problem.  
  
"I'm sorry guys, but this didn't work", she said apologetically. "I've tallied the votes, and we'll have to vote again. This time you vote ONCE, for either 'The UST Dragon Ballers'; 'Balls, Balls, we want Balls'; 'The Anti-Fat Naked Riley Club'; 'The skegs'; 'The Party People'; 'One, two, three, four, we declare a thumb war'; 'The give us the Dragon Balls or we'll mutilate your face clan'; or 'Let me at the Dragon Balls, uh-huh, uh- huh'. And no one can vote for themself, so don't even think about it. I mean really. On you marks, get set, vote!"  
  
And so everyone began to vote for what felt like (and sort of was) the third time. Spike once again voted for 'The skegs' in honour of Buffy. Gee voted for 'The UST Dragon Ballers' in honour of the obvious UST between two of her fellow committee members. MacGuyver voted for 'The Party People' because he just felt like it. Buffy voted for 'The Anti-Fat Naked Riley Club' in honour of her "boyfriends". And Snaps voted for 'One, two, three, four, we declare a thumb war', because thumb wars are always riotously funny.  
  
And so the votes came in and were counted by Spike, because he can read and count to five.  
  
"Yes! Finally!" he said. "The final five are 'The skegs'; 'The UST Dragon Ballers'; 'The Party People'; 'The Anti-Fat Naked Riley Club'; and 'One, two, three, four, we declare a thumb war'. Now that that's over, it's time to tell the others and to have the final vote.  
  
"I whole-heartedly agree", said MacGuyver, and with that the five returned to the other ten travellers.  
  
"It's about time, you lot", Clark said, sounding crazy as usual.  
  
"Fuck you!" Spike yelled back at him.  
  
"Now boys, calm down", Buffy interrupted them. "Everyone has to vote for one of the final names. Congratulations to Lois, Matt, Clark, Gee and myself, as our names were chosen as the five that you can vote for."  
  
Much applause could be heard from miles around. So loud was it that the animals at the farm, which Spike had gotten his milk from, went on a rampage that destroyed half the street. Luckily the farmer caught with them when they were still 100 metres from the McDonalds, his shotgun and a few hand grenades in his arms, and with a machine gun and a bazooka down his pants. There were no survivors. Anyway, on with the story.  
  
Spike went about his usual job of fetching napkins, and then everyone began the voting process. When all had been handed in, Gohan counted the votes and announced the results.  
  
"Well, after the disappointment of my suggestion being eliminated, I am happy to announce that the winner is still a very good one. And of course, the person who suggested it wins a signed picture of me, worth 30 Australian cents, 15 United States cents, 10 English pence, or 70 Indonesian Rupia. And I think that's a fair amount."  
  
"Get on with it, shithead!" was the general reaction from general reaction from the crowd.  
  
"Like I was saying", Gohan continued, "'The Party People' and 'One, two, three, four, we declare a thumb war' only received one vote each."  
  
"Dammit!" Matt and Gee cried, at exactly the same time in exactly the same key. Wow, they should be singing partners.  
  
"'The UST Dragon Ballers' and 'The Anti-Fat Naked Riley Club' both received three votes, and before anyone says anything, congratulations to Buffy with seven votes for 'The skegs'!"  
  
"Yay me!" Buffy screamed, in delight and excitement. "Can I have my prize now?"  
  
"Of course you can", Gohan told her as he handed the signed picture of himself over. "And I'll be happy to buy that back from you for 30 Australian cents, 15 United States cents, 10 English pence, or 70 Indonesian Rupia. Which would you prefer?"  
  
"I'll take 15 US cents, thanks Gohan", said Buffy.  
  
And with that, the name choosing was complete. 


	8. Dance magic, dance

Author's Notes: I understand that my musical references are very out of date. That's what happens when time passes; I wrote these parts of the story over a year ago, and even then the songs were fairly old. On another topic, Sirocco is a hippy/arty/fancy store near where I live. It's not necessary to know what I'm talking about when that's mentioned.  
  
Who are: The Wiggles? They're a very happy Australian band for kids, probably the best (or at least the most well-known) kids band in the country. Their songs are as catchy as hell. I think all of us have caught ourselves singing, "Wake up Jeff! Everybody's wiggling!" if only because the thought of everybody wiggling is damn funny. Yes, I know the chance of any of these characters knowing who these people are is slim to none, but it's my universe.  
  
A semi-question: Is Australia the only country where 'bucks' means 'dollars'? If it is, then remember... bucks means dollars.  
  
***  
  
Halfway through Clark scorching 'The skegs' into everyone's arm with his super sonic burning vision, their food was delivered to them, two hours after it had been ordered. But they were all so happy to have it that they didn't bother complaining, just inhaled it all in fifteen seconds. Everyone, that is, except Clark. He was still very upset about not getting his favourite meal, but was beginning to accept it. He slowly slurped his Fanta, and started singing in his head like so many people before. Oh, how he wished he had his burger.  
  
"I think", Gohan announced to everyone, "that it's time for as to return to the bus. We've been here for a long time already, and we haven't found any of the Dragon Balls yet. That kind of disappoints me."  
  
"Oh, shove it up your arse", spat Clark. "You're such a dick head."  
  
"I think that's quite enough", Gohan replied. "All those in favour of returning to the bus, say aye!"  
  
There was many an aye to be heard from everyone except Clark, who sat silently with his arms crossed. What a baby.  
  
"Yeah, let's go! Waterslides!" exclaimed Mulder. "But first I have to go to the little boys' room. I'm going to pee! What fun!"  
  
And so Mulder went to the little boys' room. After he was done with that he remembered to wash his hands. Looking into the basin Mulder spied a golden tennis ball with one red star on it. Excited, he picked it up, washed it off, and ran from the bathroom screaming, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"  
  
Everyone stared over at the crazy man holding the golden tennis ball. Gohan suddenly became very excited.  
  
"Mulder, you crazy fool!" he exclaimed. "You've found the first Dragon Ball!"  
  
Suddenly everyone became much more excited. Lois gave Mulder an arse squeeze, Matt gave him a great, big, gay-looking hug and Buffy shook his hand so hard that she broke one of his fingers. Luckily Mulder didn't mind.  
  
After Mulder's fingers had been bandaged, and the Dragon Ball had been placed in a tissue filled shoebox, everyone finally reboarded the bus. Quami pulled out a notebook and wrote down the place that Mulder found the first of what should end up being seven Dragon Balls. They all took their seats, and Matt started the bus. A cheer went up from those in the back because Spike had started a strip show to the Spice Girls music that had begun to play when Matt started the bus. But with his pants still on Spike got bored, and sat down in his seat next to Buffy.  
  
"Excuse me", said Linka, "but would it be possible to put on my CD this time? It's only a single, it won't last very long."  
  
"Of course!" said Matt. "Bring it up the front here and put it on!"  
  
Linka skipped right up to the front of the bus and stopped when she got to the Super Special Bus CD System. She removed Spike's Spice World CD, put it in it's case, and threw it across the bus to him. Spike caught it in one hand, in a truly spectacular way. Then Linka put in her CD single and pressed play. On came that kickin' Steps hit, "5,6,7,8"! Everyone jumped from their seats, got into lines, and started to do that boot scootin' dance that everyone loves so much. They were all moving their hips and dancing around. Everyone had so much fun that when the song came to end Matt replayed it, and each person kept up the fun until it was over again.  
  
When all that was done Linka took her CD back and put it away.  
  
"Does anyone else have any other music we could listen to?" asked Marti.  
  
"I have a few more in my backpack", said Spike, as he pulled out one of those cat-shaped CD racks from his purple backpack. "Isn't this great! I got it from Sirocco last week for fifty bucks! What kind of music are we in the mood for?"  
  
"Something happy!" said Wheeler, who hadn't said anything for a long time.  
  
"And something that's good for dancing to", added MacGuyver.  
  
"Alrighty", said Spike. "I have the perfect CD for you."  
  
Spike ran to the front of the bus and started the CD. On came The Wiggles! Everyone jumped out of their seats again as "Big Red Car" played. Fat Naked Riley began to sing along, jiggling his fat body in such a way that slightly resembled dancing.  
  
"Toot toot, chugga chugga, big red car. We'll travel near and we'll travel far! Toot toot, chugga chugga, big red car. We're gonna ride the whole day long, a-boom boom boom boom. Woo!" the Fat and Naked one sang.  
  
Everyone was shaking their booty and it was just too much.  
  
Three Hours Later  
  
After the Wiggles CD ended, Spike had played the new Aqua album, which is far better than the first one. The skegs had a whole lot of fun dancing to that, and when that ended Spike played the new Silverchair one, "Neon Ballroom", which of course far surpasses BOTH of the old two. When that was finished, Spike put on one of his favourite CDs, "More ABBA Gold". Everyone was currently listening to "When I kissed the teacher", because my God did it bring back memories. Fat Naked Riley was still singing along, and doing a mad dance that looked like a great, fat bird trying to take off.  
  
"One of these days... I'm gonna tell him I dream about him every night!" he sang, then continued, "one of these days... I'm gonna show him I care, gonna teach him a lesson, all right."  
  
By this time the bus had been driving for a long while without any sort of bathroom break. In fact, Snaps had wet his pants half an hour earlier and was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Finally Matt decided to take the initiative (no, not THE Initiative, of Sunnydale fame) and announced that he would be stopping at the next rest stop.  
  
"Yay!" cheered Clark, as he had just finished the last level of the Aladdin game on his lime green Gameboy without cheating, for the first time ever.  
  
Mulder, who had been asleep on the bus floor drooling, sat up suddenly.  
  
"How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?" he asked slowly.  
  
"Three-and-a-half!" yelled everyone who had seen that movie. So just the Planeteers, then.  
  
Mulder fell back onto the floor, snoring loudly, as Matt stopped the bus. 


	9. Clark says something naughty while playi...

Authors Notes: When I start mentioning types of glue and tape, if you haven't heard of some them, just remember this: they're types of glue and tape. I apologise in advance for the copious Doctor Who references in this part. I couldn't help it. Clark says the naughtiest line I've ever thought to include before. He really does have a dirty mouth, doesn't he?  
  
An embarrasing but important not: No one I know has any idea what the real rules of strip poker are. Over time our very own personal rules have evolved. Those special rules come into play here. That's right, none of my characters (which aren't really mean; you know that right?) know the real rules of strip poker.  
  
Review! Revieeeeew!: I've given up. Everything I write is shunned at the moment. Usually I'd at least get a "good grammar" comment (I DO have good grammar, don't I?) but even those seem to have dried up. You all make me feel so saaad. I'll get over it, though.  
  
***  
  
There was much scrambling for the door, during which Snaps was crushed up against a seat by Fat Naked Riley's huge stomach. As everyone stepped out onto the grass MacGuyver started to do little hops on the ground. Looks like its time for a confrontation.  
  
"I'm sorry everybody, but I just can't take it anymore. I need to kill someone. I need to be 'the only one that can help' again!" he said apologetically. "Now I've got to ask, who here thinks that they wouldn't mind dying for a good cause?" "And why is it a good cause exactly?" asked Clark. "Because", replied MacGuyver, "when I haven't killed someone for awhile I start to sing every television theme song in the known universe." "Yargh!" was the general reaction. "In that case, I will happily nominate the fat and naked man", said Linka. "I second that motion!" Buffy chimed in. "Buffy, how could you?!" cried Fat Naked Riley. "I thought you were a good person! I knew you didn't love me! I was right!" "Shut up you fat, naked freak show. You're going to die, and I'm going to watch and laugh... will someone back me up here?" "I'm happy to third the motion in reference to Riley's death", said Clark. "I fourth!" exclaimed Spike, jumping up and down with excitement. "Come on, everybody! One more vote and we're rid of him forever!" Buffy encouraged.  
  
There was an eerie silence. No one wanted to be responsible for sending Riley to either that cloudy place in the sky, or that fiery place full of pain that is somewhere else. A Tumbleweed blew across the rest stop. Silence. Not a good sign. "Come on people, I can feel it starting!" said MacGuyver urgently. "I can't hold it in anymore, augh!... So open up your morning light, and say a little prayer for I..." he began to sing. "No!" yelled the skegs, "please stop, my God!" When that song was painfully over MacGuyver began another. "It's lamb chop play along, where kids come to play along, and fun things are all we ever do. Yeah, it's lamb chop play along, come join the kids and play along, we've got a lot of good stuff for you", he sang, sounding scary. So painful was the singing that Lois announced that yes indeed, she fifthed the death of Riley. While still singing the Lamb Chop theme song MacGuyver injected Fat Naked Riley with a whole lot of liquid nitrogen, turning him into a big fat naked frozen statue. And there was much rejoicing.  
  
"Yay!" screamed Buffy. "My torment is finally over!" "And I don't have to sing anymore!" exclaimed MacGuyver. "And we don't have to listen!" exclaimed Clark. "And you're a fucking retard!" exclaimed Spike, cracking his knuckles. "Do you want to take me on?" Clark asked menacingly, getting into a karate position. But luckily Spike had already skipped off to look at the fat naked statue. He snapped off one of the fingers and put it in his pocket, just in case he needed it later. Then, reconsidering, he took the finger out of his pocket and put it in the front pocket of his backpack instead.  
  
"Attention all skegs!" announced Matt. "Everybody back in the bus! Unless, of course, if you want to use the facilities. If so, hurry the hell up." All of the skegs ran to the toilets. But then disaster struck. Well, less struck, more... was discovered. Wheeler, the first one in realised that they were... compost toilets! "Oh my God!" he cried in pain. "The stench! I just can't take it!" After quickly completing his task Wheeler ran screaming from the toilets, back onto the bus. The remaining skegs quickly finished their business, and then followed him. Buffy stopped beside the frozen statue, picked it up with her super slayer strength, and carried it over to the bus.  
  
"Yo, Clark!" Buffy called. "Do you think you could come out here and give me a hand?" "Sure thing", Clark called back. Hey, he isn't a total ass. "Great", Buffy said to him, then shouted, "does anyone have some sort of glue or tape?" "Yeah, I do", said Spike, walking to Buffy behind Clark and carrying his backpack. He pulled out super glue, Clag glue, masking tape, clear tape, scotch tape and some post it notes out of it, and threw them on the ground (for easy viewing and access). "Thanks you guys. Do you think that you could fly this", she said, gesturing to the fat statue, "up onto the roof of the bus, Clark? And take this stuff to stick him on real nice. But leave the post its. They may come in handy if I want to pretend I have a real job at some point." So Clark flew the Riley statue up to the roof of the bus and stuck him there, and Spike picked the post its up again and put them in his backpack for safekeeping. When Clark was done the three of them boarded the bus and took their seats. Matt began to drive.  
  
"You know what?" said Lois. "I'm bored. I think we should play some sort of car game." "Strip Poker!" exclaimed Gohan. "I said car game, not card game you little pervert boy!" Lois yelled at perverted little Gohan. "That's a great idea!" said Wheeler, from under the back seat. "Yeah, let's play that!" agreed Linka, also from under the back seat. That's a bit suspicious. "I knew it was a good idea!" said Gohan proudly. "Who has some cards?" "I do", said Spike, reaching into the usual place and pulling out a deck of collector's edition Doctor Who cards. When he saw Buffy looking at them he smiled. "Aren't they cool?!" he said. "I got them with my box set that came with "The Crusade" and "The Space Museum"! It also came with a key chain and some pretty post cards!" "But how can you like that crazy English shit?" Buffy asked. "Easy! It's English just like me. I've seen every episode numerous times. Did you know that the first episode was shown in England on November 23 1963, and it ended in 1989? Or that the first three Doctors are dead in real li..." "That's enough", Marti interrupted. "Yeah, I wanna play!" agreed MacGuyver. "Alright, everyone get in a circle, and I'll deal my fabulous Doctor Who cards", said Spike.  
  
Everyone formed something that slightly resembled a circle and Spike dealt his fabulous Doctor Who cards. "Damn!" said Wheeler, who got sucky cards. "Damn!" said Buffy, who also got sucky cards. "Fuck it! Suck my mother fucking cock!" said Clark, who also got bad, sucky cards. "Alrighty kids, does anyone want different cards?" asked Spike, then dealt extras to those who asked for them. "Dammit, I fold", said Matt. "Good thing too, because I should really be driving the bus." And with that, Matt sprinted up the aisle to the driver's seat, threw himself into it, and grabbed the steering wheel, saving them all from a most definitely painful death. "Yeah, I fold too", said Wheeler. "Is there anyone else who doesn't have anything?" Spike asked. Everyone shook their head. "Well", said Spike, "that means that you have to add your card values, Matt and Marti, because one of you has to take something off." "The card values were added, and Wheeler came up short. "Ok, I'm taking it off", Wheeler said as he removed the top hat, which he had found at McDonalds and had been wearing ever since, from his head.  
  
Spike collected his cards and redealt them. "Yay!" said Linka, and folded. MacGuyver and Lois quickly followed. After the redealing, etcetera it turned out that Linka was the loser (and a loser). She laughed giddily as she took off both of her shoes. 


	10. Bus games and The Music Shop

Author's Notes: I don't know how widely spread the stupid games kids play are, so here's an explanation for the ones I think will be less common. Murder in the dark is a game where everyone playing picks a piece of paper out of a hat. All of the pieces of paper say 'witness' except one says 'murderer' and one says 'cop' or some other law enforcing type person. Then the lights are turned off, the murderer kills (you know I don't mean it, of course) whomever they want to. That person dies a spectacular death, then the lights are turned back on and the cop asks everyone all sorts of questions to try and figure out the murderer. They have three guesses to get it right. In blind man's bluff the 'it' person wears a blindfold and is spun around three times. Then the lights are turned off and they have to catch someone, then guess who it is. The first person caught is it next. When I say esky? That's what we Australians call ice chests/ice boxes/coolers.  
  
Heh: When Buffy offers Mulder her scarf with a pin there's a reason why I included that. It's a stupid reason, though. Same for the hotel game reference.  
  
'The Music Shop'?: This would be a very strange, possible Australian show that used to be on during the week at about ten in the morning. It was about a woman who worked at a music shop (thus the title) and had all these friends that were actors in animal costumes. It was a truly frightening show, and part of the theme song actually went the way I describe it. Yes, I do remember that I seemed very afraid of theme songs in the last chapter, but I couldn't pass up the chance to have everyone sing that crappy song.  
  
***  
  
Twenty minutes later everyone had lost several items of clothing except Spike, who was still completely clothed. Buffy, obviously very upset by this, had been trying to cheat so that he would lose. "Uno!" exclaimed Mulder. "Mulder, that was hours ago", said Lois, his girlfriend. "We're playing strip poker now, remember? That's why you're only wearing boxer shorts." "That's what YOU think", Mulder replied as he tried to make snowman out of his discarded clothing. Ah, the fun. Lois sighed and returned to the game. While she had been talking to the crazy man Snaps had lost again, leaving him completely naked. "I'm cold", he complained. "Do we have to keep playing?" "Yes!" insisted Buffy, but no one agreed with her, and so the game was ended. Snaps quickly redressed, desperate to hide his shame.  
  
"Fine then", Buffy said. "But if we don't do that then what are we going to do?" "The licence plate game!" Clark exclaimed. "It's dark, moron", Spike replied. Clark prepared himself for battle again. "Do you want to take me on, shit head?" he asked Spike, sounding oh-so-menacing. But Spike couldn't care less. "How about 'I Spy with my sexy eye'?" suggested Quami. "I really think that falls in the same category as the licence plate game. And the heading of that category is 'games played during the day'!" yelled Spike. These stupid people irritated him like so much. "Well, you come up with something then", MacGuyver said to Spike. "Fine", Spike replied. "What about a sing along? What about murder in the dark? Why don't we start a band? Or we could play blind man's bluff! There's lots of choices!" Each one of the skegs nodded slowly, but as it was dark they couldn't see each other.  
  
"I think blind man's bluff would be the best choice", said Lois. "I also think that blind man's bluff would be the best choice", said Marti. There was a general murmuring of agreement from the remaining twelve that weren't Spike, as he obviously didn't need to agree with himself. "Yay!" said Mulder. "I get to be blind!" "Do you mean you want to be it first?" asked Gohan. "Because I know that I don't want to be. Does anyone else?" "Not me", said Gee. "Me neither", said Spike. "Not in a million years, circus freak", said Clark. "It's settled then", said Buffy. "Mulder will be up. He can use my attractive scarf with a pin as a blindfold."  
  
So Mulder put on his blindfold, tripped over Quami, and fell flat on his face. "Ow!" he cried. "The vampires got me!" "Hey, I was way over her", said Spike. "And I really think this is less of a bus game and more of a hotel game." "Why a hotel game?" asked Buffy. "Just trust me", replied Spike. "I know things that you could never dream of understanding. Why don't we just take the less painful plan and have a sing along?" Again everyone agreed. "But what song?" asked Matt, from the driver's seat. "How about 'Dancing Queen'?" suggested Wheeler. "No, I think we should sing that 'Blue' song by Eiffel 65", said Linka. "I wanna sing 'Dancing Queen'!" cried Spike, because you know, he really wanted to sing 'Dancing Queen'. "Yeah, let's sing that", agreed Gohan. "I think we'll sing 'Dancing Queen' then", said Buffy. "I'll start. Friday night and the lights are low..." "Looking out for a place to go", sang Clark. "Got to play it right, groove it, riding in a swing, you've come to search for a ring", sang Mulder. "Wrong words, dumbass", said mean, mean Clark. "Anybody could be that guy!" continued MacGuyver and Snaps. "Not as young, and the music's... hiiiiigh", joined in everyone else except Gee, who sorta just hummed along.  
  
After all of the Dancing Queen, ABBA fun was over there was silence for a little while before the skegs realised that, since there song was over, it was time to think of something new. "Well", said Buffy, "I think it's time for us to sing something from 'The Music Shop'". "Do you mean the theme song or the tango song?" asked Quami. "I don't know", Buffy replied. "I personally prefer the theme song, but someone else can make the final decision." "I think we should go for the theme song personally as well", said Clark. "It just makes me feel good about myself. "Let's sing then!" said Spike. "I want to get started." And so they sang.  
  
"Welcome to The Music Shop, where fun and music never stop. You can sing and you can bop, down at The Music Shop. The Music Shop is a wonderful place, I can sing tenor, and you can sing bass. If you can't sing just wiggle your face, down at The Music Shop. Down at The Music Shop. Down at The Music Shop, yeah!"  
  
"You know, that song has so many levels that I never thought about before", said Clark, choosing his words carefully. "I know what you mean", agreed MacGuyver. As silence once again fell over the bus Spike carried another one of his CDs up the front and made use of the Super Special Bus CD System. He pressed play, and the relaxing sounds of the musical version of "The Highwayman" by Loreena McKennit began. Spike returned to his seat next to Buffy. A few minutes later everyone was asleep.  
  
The next morning the skegs awoke slowly except for Matt, who was shocked awake quickly when he realised he was meant to be driving the bus. Luckily he had fallen asleep with his foot on the accelerator, and the road was very, very straight. That really was lucky. Mulder chose that moment to wander to the front of the bus. "I'm so hungry, I could eat my own face!" he sobbed to no one in particular. Spike sat up quickly. "Come down here little Mulder man", he said. "I may have something in my backpack for you." Spike once again reached into his purple backpack and pulled out an esky. It was one of those really big ones that look like a refrigerator. "Here we go", Spike said. Would anyone care for a sausage?"  
  
Spike reached into the esky and retrieved a small package of sausages. He then tipped his backpack upside down. Out fell a camping stove. Spike opened the sausages and began to cook. "Can I have one of those?" asked MacGuyver. "Us too", said Wheeler in reference to himself and Linka. Spike threw them each a sausage, then put more on the stove. "Do you guys want anything with those?" he asked, pulling out five different sauces and a spice rack, as well as a loaf of bread. "I'll have some Wostershire sauce and pepper", said MacGuyver. "Can I have barbecue sauce?" asked Wheeler. Of course you can", Spike replied, and threw (well, really passed) the requested sauces and pepper to those who wanted them. Do you want anything with your sausage?" he asked Linka. "No thanks, my dear Englishman", Linka replied. "Oh wait, do you have basil?" "I sure do", said Spike, handing Linka the basil he purchased the previous week. He really did love basil. 


	11. Code names in a gas station

Authors Notes: A Kinder Surprises is a chocolate egg with a toy you put together yourself inside. There used to be a famous commercial for them (famous where I am, anyway) on television all the time, where I little boy asks his mother to bring him back "something exciting, something to play with, and some chocolate" from the grocery store, to which his mother replied that it wasn't possible to bring him back three surprises at once. Of course, Kinder Surprise is the answer.  
  
Misty's Song is off the 2BA Master Pokémon CD, as everyone in the whole world should know. It's really quite a nice song, if you ignore the fact that it's meant to be Misty singing about Ash. No song is going to help her. He's obviously in love with Gary Oak! Nicko is a brand of permanent marker/pen in Australia.  
  
***  
  
There was much sausage eating as Matt pulled the bus into a gas station. As he pulled up next to a gas pump, everyone rose to their feet... as a mark of respect for the cat that the bus had just run over. Oh, what a shame. "All out for a cup of coffee, etcetera", Matt called from the front of the bus. "Hurry up. And also, go to the bathroom. It's been about seven hours since our last stop." Everyone except Linka and Wheeler, who had both finished their sausages and fallen asleep again, left the bus. Matt stuck around to fill the gas tank (with gas) while the others went into the snack bar to buy some kind of beverage. You know, a drink.  
  
Clark sat down by himself, holding his newly purchased carton of strawberry milk. He felt a dull pain in his feet. 'Strange', he thought to himself. 'My feet have been hurting since yesterday.' Clark looked down at his feet, and something dawned on him. Woah, bright sun. 'I've never gotten up this early before', he thought. 'And also, I'm wearing those Wish Wellingtons! I can't believe I forgot!' He rubbed his feet together once again, like he had so long ago.  
  
MacGuyver was rifling through the box of Kinder Surprises, looking for what he believed to be the toy of toys. Reaching to the bottom of the box, MacGuyver felt something larger and rounder than a regular Kinder Surprise. Pulling it out, he was amazed at how shiny and gold it was. Holding it carefully in his hand, MacGuyver carried his precious find towards the counter, ready to pay big bucks for it. Halfway there Gohan stopped him. "Hey MacGuyver, what's that you've got there?" Gohan asked. "It's something lovely and gold", MacGuyver replied. "Wanna see?" Gohan nodded, so MacGuyver showed the ball to him. "Oh my God!" Gohan exclaimed. "That's a Dragon Ball! Note the six stars on it. Congratulations!" MacGuyver was very pleased with himself. "Attention everyone!" he called to the entire gas station. "I found a Dragon Ball! Come and congratulate me, my fellow skegs."  
  
So MacGuyver's fellow skegs came to congratulate him. All that is, except Clark, who was still sitting in blissful silence with his strawberry milk and his Wish Wellingtons. And of course, Linka and Wheeler were still asleep on the bus. Quami wrote down the place that MacGuyver had found the Dragon Ball, and it (the Dragon Ball, not Quami or his notebook) was placed in a tissue-filled shoebox along with Mulder's find. Linda and Wheeler suddenly walked in, saw the Dragon Ball, and were excessively pleased.  
  
Spike stood up to get everyone's attention. "You know what I think?" he announced in a questioning way. "No, what do you think?" asked Marti. "I think we should all have nametags", Spike replied. There was a general groan of "As if, retard", but in a nicer way. "No, come on you guys!" Spike whined. "Not our normal names, that would be pathetic. No, we should have code names, and wear them, so that no one knows exactly WHO is looking for the Dragon Balls. We can use my post- its." "Yeah, that's not a bad idea", Gohan relented. "But are you sure you don't have any of those 'hello my name is _______' stickers?" "Wait a second, I'll check", said Spike. He rifled through his backpack, and the surrounding skegs stood well back to avoid the gun. But unfortunately, Spike came up empty-handed. "I'm sorry", he said, "but I just don't have any."  
  
Spike was most upset. He'd never needed to have outside assistance when looking for something. His backpack had failed him. Spike sat down and began to cry... out for nametags. "Nametags!" he called. There's some over there on a shelf, along with the tape and those coloured circle stickers that everyone sells but nobody buys", Lois pointed out. "And it's only $1.50 for a packet of twenty-four, too." Spike pulled out his wallet from the front pocket of his purple backpack. "No, Spike", said Lois. "Don't worry about it, I'll pay." And with that final comment, she strode over to the counter, carrying the precious nametags. Two packets, in fact. You can never be too careful when it comes to nametags.  
  
"I think the person with the neatest writing should write out the name tags", suggested Marti. "Good plan", said Gohan, slapping Marti on the back in a friendly, guy way. ""But", said Spike, "it would probably be easiest to choose the best writing if we each write out the same poem, and then choose from that." "That is also a good plan", Buffy said to Spike, patting the top of his head with one hand and rubbing the back of his neck with the other. "But how do we choose a suitable poem?" "How about 'The Swing', by that old guy?" suggested Lois. I do like old guys, after all." "Nah, that's a pretty crappy one", replied Gohan. " I reckon we should go for some kind of limerick, because limericks are the best kind of poem ever!" "Oh, screw that", interrupted MacGuyver. "Let's just write out the chorus to "Misty's Song"."  
  
So everyone borrowed a piece of paper and a Nicko pen from Spike. Why a Nicko? Because that's what name tags are always written with. As the fast yet neat writing commenced, a quiet scritch-scratch on paper could be heard throughout the gas station. From different places across the room the sound of Misty's song being hummed arose.  
  
"I'm done!" announced Wheeler. "So am I", said Mulder. "I finished painting the table hours ago!" "That's... nice", said Matt. "Very good for you. Also, I'm finished as well." As everyone else was done as well, they all lined up their pieces of paper on a table. Everyone, that is, except... a dog lying on the floor that had decided to join in all the writing fun. Of course, not having any fingers, its piece of paper was just covered in drool. But that's really not surprising.  
  
Each person looked at the different copies of "Misty's Song" in turn. "I think that Lois' writing of the song is best", said Snaps. "I think that I agree with you", agreed Matt. "Who else thinks that Lois wrote out the lovely "Misty's Song" in a lovely way?" Everyone raised their hands. Lois smiled and dropped a napkin. She had been attempting to neaten her smudged and messy make-up. "Well", announced Gohan, "it looks like you're writing our name tags, Lois." "I don't know what to say!" Lois exclaimed. "Other than... pass me the name tags and writing utensils! It's time to get writing!" Spike passed Lois the nametags he had picked up earlier, collected all the Nicko's and handed Lois one. "Thank you, kind sir", Lois said to Spike. "As a thank you, your code name shall be written first." "Why, that's so nice of you Lois!" replied Spike. "I've already chosen my new fabulous code name. Please write 'The fabulous bad-ass vampire guy' on my nametag!" Lois wrote Spike's special name on his nametag, peeled it off the backing shit, and handed it to Spike. He grabbed it off her and stuck it on the front of his duster. Then he smiled at Lois. Uhoh.  
  
Lois turned from Spike to those without nametags. "Who's next?" she asked them eagerly. "Me, me, me, oh God, please pick me!" exclaimed Snaps. "Alright, go ahead", prompted Lois, "what do you want your code name to be?" "I want my code name to be 'Pokéboy' please," answered Snaps. Lois wrote 'Pokéboy on a nametag in her neat and splendid writing, peeled it off the backing shit and handed it to Snaps. He took the nametag and placed it carefully in the middle of his forehead. Then he smiled widely and faded into the background.  
  
"Can I go next?" asked Quami. Lois nodded. "Goodies", said Quami. "Please write 'The Sacred Man' on my name tag, Lois." So she did. Lois peeled Quami's nametag off the backing shit and handed it to him. Quami placed it on the front of his shirt, the place that nametags are supposed to go. "Who's next?" asked Lois. "That would be me", Buffy said. "I want mine to say 'Child of a dead woman', please." And so it was done, and the nametag writing continued. When everyone's nametag was finished Linka's said 'My heart will go on', Marti's said 'Freddie Prinze Jnr', Gee's said 'Ocean Girl', Wheeler's said 'Fireman Sam', Clark's said 'Super Dude', MacGuyver's said 'Killer whale Animorph', Matt's said 'Dick Tracy' and Gohan's said 'Possible ruler of all things special'. In a final movement, Lois wrote out a nametag for herself that said 'Lady Diana Spencer, d. 1997'.  
  
"Excuse me", said Mulder quietly, "but you forgot me!" "Oh, that's right", Lois replied. "Here, you can have this one." Lois handed Mulder a nametag that said 'A Crazy, Crazy Man'. Mulder read it, blushed some sort of colour, and stuck it on the inside of his jacket where n one could see it. You see, it's rather embarrassing to announce your craziness to the entire world.  
  
"Alright everyone", announced Gohan to the newly nametagged group. "We've definitely spent quite enough time at this gas station. Who thinks that it's time to move onto somewhere new and exciting?" Everyone raised their hand except Clark, who was currently trying to catch the eye of the girl at the counter. Unsurprisingly, she was ignoring him. "Looks like we're leaving, then", said Buffy, as everyone stood up. Spike collected his Nicko from Lois and put it back in his backpack. Lois picked up the remaining nametags and put them wherever she had been keeping her typewriter all this time. In single file for no reason at all, the skegs left the gas station and returned to the bus, expertly ignoring the parking ticket stuck under one of the windshield wipers. Buffy reached up and patted the foot of the frozen Fat Naked Riley statue as she hummed a jaunty tune to herself. As the bus doors closed the skegs took their seats.  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere else that could possibly have been a different gas station to the one that the skegs had just vacated, someone covered themselves with gasoline then lit a match. They'd had a really rough day. 


	12. Abandoning the bus

Author's Notes: This chapter mainly focuses on how unrealistic it really is that all of these characters ended up together for no reason. It also attempts to explain where they are in the world. I don't do a very good job, but don't worry. That's the whole point.  
  
Where?: Tasmania is a state of Australia. New Jersey is a state of the United States of America. Of course, everyone knows where New Jersey is, but I felt bad for Tasmania. Keep in mind that I am not judging people from New Jersey or Tasmania in any way; they were just the first two places that came to mind. It could just as easily have been California and Wales. I love Wales!  
  
***  
  
Matt turned the key in the ignition and the bus started. It rolled down the road until Matt remembered that he shouldn't take the hand brake off until the bus was in gear. Becoming increasingly flustered, Matt tried to pull the brake but instead hit the windshield wipers. As they began to flap a parking ticket fluttered to the ground. Restraining himself (with a seatbelt; safety first) Matt slowly turned off the windshield wipers and pulled on the handbrake. Then he carefully put the bus into gear and began to drive. "Yo Matt", called MacGuyver. "You do realise that you just hit a puppy, don't you?" Matt just gritted his teeth and kept on rollin', rollin', rollin'. "Yo Matt", called Spike, imitating MacGuyver. "You do realise there's no music playing, don't you? Could you put on another one of my CDs please?" "Sure Spike, whatever", Matt replied. "As long as it's not anything bad." "Come on Matt, it's me!" said Spike. "Would I have anything bad?" Matt sneered at Spike's reflection in the rear-view mirror as Spike galloped to the front of the bus, carrying his Sirocco-style cat CD stand with him. "Anyone got a problem with The Backstreet Boys?" Spike asked. As no one replied, Spike assumed that no one did, and he inserted the CD into the Super Special Bus CD System. On blasted "Backstreet's Back".  
  
Spike began to jump about in some sort of dancing fashion. Unfortunately though, Spike was one of only four people in the known universe that likes The Backstreet Boys. None of the other three were on the bus; they live in New Jersey. Or possibly Tasmania. In conclusion, Spike is alone on a bus full of Backstreet Boys haters. Those Backstreet Boys haters began to laugh at Spike, in all of his bouncy, dancing glory. Spike noticed immediately and cowered in shame. Turning quickly, he switched off the CD and began to cry. Spike sank to the floor/aisle of the bus, his head in his hands. Sorry for what they had done, Buffy quickly rose to her feet. "Excuse me everyone", she said loudly, so that everyone could hear and because she loves herself too much (for some reason). "On behalf of the whole skeg family, I would like to apologise to Spike. We had no right to laugh at you just because of your... unusual musical tastes. We were way harsh Tai... I mean Spike. Come back sweetie, and sit with me." Spike, being a little tired, believed Buffy's extremely fake apology, and returned to his seat next to her.  
  
Matt chose this moment to speak up. "Hey you guys, would this be a good time to show you the souvenirs I've been collecting?" "Sure, show us", encouraged Marti. "Ok, I will", said Matt, removing a large paper bag from his pocket and reaching into it. "This is the napkin I used at McDonald's", he said. "And these are all the food fixin's I got as well." He paused for a moment before continuing. "This is the packet of musk lollies I bought from the gas station. This is some grass I picked in the field. And THIS", he continued, holding up a small bundle, "is a little something I picked up form the truck stop. I never realised how many wonderous things could be found in a compost toilet before now. It's really incredible."  
  
Everyone was severely grossed out by Matt's souvenir from the truck stop, but before they could do something they may regret later, like hitting him over the head with a wooden board (the kind with rusty nails sticking out) Matt stopped the bus. "What's going on?" asked Linka. "Yeah, why have you stopped, Pokéboy?" added Clark. "Excuse me, but I think that Pokéboy would be a more accurate term for describing Snaps, rather than myself", said Matt. "And the reason that I have stopped is this, and this alone. Note that we have stopped next to a beach. This implies that an ocean is right in front of us. As we are in a bus, and not some sort of water vessel, I have made the assumption that our journey in this vehicle has ended. The best course of action would be... Woah, sorry guys. I was possessed by a smart English guy for a moment there." Everyone looked at Matt. Some looked at him in fear. Others looked at him in fascination. Still others looked at him in a concerned way. But one thing is certain, and that is that they all looked at him.  
  
Never one to be quiet, Lois spoke up, up, and away. "I hope you're alright, Matt", she said. "Possession can make you feel very nervous and uncomfortable, but you'll get over it." "Oh no! though", said Gee. "How can we go on? I don't think this bus can drive over ocean." "Maybe we could catch a plane", suggested MacGuyver. "Not likely", replied Clark, the evil one. "We don't have any money." "Speak for yourself", Spike said. "I'd just come from my VERY filled bank account, which is surprisingly at the bank, when I met up with all of you. My backpack has thousands of dollars in it."  
  
And with that, Spike pulled a pink sequined purse from his backpack, and from that took out many, many bank notes (otherwise known as money) and began to count it. "See, look at all the lovely money", Spike giggled, counting hundred dollar bills. "What country is that money from, Spike?" asked Quami. "Um, it's... a... from some... I think its international currency of some kind", Spike stuttered. "It's a little confusing." "Does anyone even know what country we're in?" Quami continued. Everyone glanced around in confusion. "Well, I think, I'm even pretty sure, that I live in America", Buffy said, mostly to herself. "But I don't think that field I mysteriously showed up in yesterday is anywhere near Sunnydale." "I don't know WHERE we come from", said Marti, referring to himself and the other Planeteers. "I mean, don't we usually hang out on some island with Gaia?" Everyone looked at each other again. "Do you think we all ended up together through some sort of divine intervention?" questioned Mulder. "Was it an alien being that forced us into each other's company? Overlords that threw us together for the purpose of their own entertainment?"  
  
After Mulder's understandably crazy explanation for all the confusion, it didn't seem right for the skegs to continue this topic of discussion. Lois decided to change the subject. "How much money do you have there, Spike?" she asked him eagerly. "Well", he replied, "I've counted $21 650 so far. I'd be happy to pay for a plane trip for all of us, as I'm a very generous and kind guy." "That is very nice of you, Spike", Gohan said to him. "All those in favour of allowing Spike to make the first wish once we have all seven Dragon Balls, raise your hands. And feet. And maybe a few flags." Many hands, feet and flags were lifted skywards. "Thanks, you guys!" Spike exclaimed. "Don't worry about Spikey honey, you deserve it", Buffy whispered in his ear, before sloppily kissing him on the cheek. Spike blushed and gave Buffy a great big hug. Once all of the congratulations had been given to Spike the bus full of skegs fell silent, the point of the discussion forgotten.  
  
But then... Matt remembered. "I guess I should be driving us all to the airport, then", he said reluctantly. "Yeah, let's go! Waterslides!" exclaimed Mulder, and everyone had a strong sense of deja vu. Mulder began to sing "Twinkle, twinkle, little star" to himself as Matt restarted the bus and headed for the nearest airport. Strangely, he happened to know where it was.  
  
After arriving at the airport ten minutes later (it was fairly near the beach) MacGuyver made a suggestion. "You know, I haven't killed someone for awhile now, and I'll need to do someone soon. I thought that maybe if I instead just parked the bus on top of a nearby cliff, took off the handbrake and let it crash into the ocean that might possibly work too." "But MacGuyver, won't we all die?!" cried Snaps. "No, no, you silly boy", replied MacGuyver. "I'll drop you off here, then drive up the hill, release the handbrake, jump out the door, and walk back to the airport. No fuss, no muss." "But MacGuyver", said Buffy, "there could be innocent people who will be hit by the bus! I'm meant to be against that sort of thing." "Fat Riley was innocent wasn't he?" MacGuyver pointed out. "You didn't have any problems with that, did you?" "Err, ummm, you see...", Buffy tried to explain. "That's different. You can't describe him as innocent. He was definitely guilty of being both fat and naked. Not to mention the fact that he was a dick." "Nice attempt at covering your mistakes", taunted MacGuyver. "Oh bloody hell, just kill the bastards", Buffy sighed, and MacGuyver hopped from one foot to the other in excitement. "Just go, take the bus", said Gohan. "But won't we need it later?" "I don't think so", said MacGuyver. "We're leaving the country, and I doubt that the bus will fit in the cargo hold." "Huh-huh, good one", laughed Mulder, in response to MacGuyver's semi-joke.  
  
MacGuyver swapped with Matt at the driver's seat, then opened the bus doors. Everyone exited, Spike remembering to take his backpack and Matt remembering his souvenirs, MacGuyver closed the door again. He then went looking for a cliff facing the ocean while the rest of the skegs headed for the airport entrance. Spike went in search of the ticket counter, carrying his many thousands of dollars.  
  
Having found a cliff suitable for bus destruction, MacGuyver opened the bus door, lowered the handbrake, and made a break for it. As MacGuyver rolled like a dog into the grass the bus gathered speed, reached the edge of the cliff, and splashed down into the water. Then MacGuyver remembered that his jacket was hung over the back of his seat.  
  
Meanwhile, at the airport, all the skegs that aren't named MacGuyver were hanging out at the Duty Free Shop. You know, you have to stop at the Duty Free Shop because it rhymes. Suddenly... Spike returned with fourteen tickets he'd just finished purchasing. "Oh my God, you guys!" Buffy exclaimed. "What is it, Buffy?" asked Matt. "Oh, and also, welcome back Spike. Well done with buying the tickets." "Don't change the subject", snapped Buffy. "I just realised that Riley was still strapped to the roof of the bus." "So what?" questioned Wheeler. "It's not like you liked him anyway." As Buffy didn't have any way of replying to this without lying attention returned to Spike. "How much were the ticket's Spike?" Gee asked him. "Well", he replied, "it was to be expected that they would be expensive, what with us leaving the country and all. The total was over fifteen thousand dollars, and that's all you need to know." 


	13. Where do we go from here?

Author's Notes: I admit that I actually have no idea where in Europe that Austria is. Just pretend that I got it right. No, I couldn't be bothered checking an atlas or a globe. Dead to the world means asleep, and since I don't think I've ever heard that saying on television I don't know how many people would have heard it.  
  
***  
  
"I'm baaaa-aaack!" MacGuyver called to his skeggy pals from the doorway of the Duty Free Shop. "I had an extremely enjoyable time crashing that bus into the ocean. The best part was seeing that big fat statue sinking beneath the waves." "Well, I hope you're happy", spat Buffy. "That statue would have been a great conversation starter at parties. You've stolen that social experiment opportunity. Why, I oughta..." Buffy stepped towards MacGuyver menacingly. He cowered in fear, but Buffy just grabbed his hair and tugged on it softly. Then she stalked over to the souvenir coffee mug section of the Duty Free Shop. "Now that THAT unpleasantness is over with, I think it's time that we skegs headed to Gate 23", said Spike. "I may have forgotten to tell you this, but our plane is leaving in fifteen minutes and we're meant to be on board ten minutes early. Let's go!" "Yes, let's go", agreed Gohan. "Everyone follow me, single fi..." But it was too late. Gohan had been left behind.  
  
...5 Minutes later... "I'm so glad they let me bring my backpack with me", sighed Spike. "I don't know about you guys, but I was really worried about going through the metal detector", said Snaps. "I thought it might go off because of my camera. If they'd taken I would have crazy, because I wouldn't be able to take pictures of Pokémon. That's the most important thing in the world to me." For some reason Wheeler started to laugh very loudly at Snaps. No one except Snaps cared. "Luckily for me my backpack is x-ray proof", said Spike. "Otherwise they definitely would have taken my sawn off shot gun. I've had that thing for years." The fatal fourteen had already taken their seats on the very large plane, having handed over their tickets on the way in. Spike's purple backpack had been placed in the overhead luggage rack, as it was small enough to be considered carry-on luggage.  
  
"So, where exactly are we going?" asked Linka. "You never actually told us, Spike." "I thought that the most likely place for us to find more Dragon Balls would be a place with many different peoples", Spike said. "But where's that?" asked Marti. "Spain?" "No, you silly bint", Spike replied. "Europe! It has many interesting and exciting places." What Spike didn't mention was that he wanted to visit the City of Love, also known as Paris, while he was with his true love Buffy. He smiled to himself. Ah, Paris. "That's great!" exclaimed Lois. I always wanted to see Europe. Italy, England, Switzerland, FRANCE..." Lois' eyes glazed over and she began to drool, her head tilted backwards. "Yes well, ah... that's great", said Spike. "Anyway, this plane is going to land in Austria." "Why did you choose Austria of all the places in Europe, Spike?" asked Gohan. "Because I wanted to visit the setting of my favourite movie ever, 'The Sound of Music'", Spike answered. "Plus it's close to everything." "But isn't Austria too far north?" said Wheeler, staring at Spike. "Alright, you caught me. I just want to go there", admitted Spike.  
  
Buffy was about to say something, but was cut off by a message from the flight attendant who was using the microphone up at the front of the plane. Yes, that's correct, she was giving the safety directions. "Now, if the plane is about to crash into the ocean, quickly place this pathetic excuse for a safety device over your head and pull the protruding tabs. Of course, it won't save your life, but it will give you something to do with your last few moments of meaningless existence. God, I'm depressed", she said. "Woah", said Snaps. "I hope we don't crash." "Yes, death WOULD be bad", agreed Quami. Then the flight attendant continued her speech. "Today the movie we are showing is entitled 'When good pets go bad'. If you guessed that this is not a movie, you're right. The pilot taped this third-rate program off television. Enjoy your flight." After ending her speech on this high note the flight attendant took her seat. The skegs sat silently for a moment before putting on their seatbelts. The plane taxied down the runway, then remember that it was a plane. It flew into the air and zoomed off on its way to Austria. Zoom. Spike fell asleep first. Gee soon followed. Matt was the third. Ten minutes later all the skegs were dead. Or dead to the world. Either way.  
  
...Whatever amount of time it takes to nearly get to Austria later... Since the group skeg sleeping session began MacGuyver was the only one to have woken up again. Because of this he was the only one to hear an announcement. "Attention high-flyers. Due to unforseen weather conditions you have been rerouted to a different airport. This airport is in England. We hope that's alright. Have fun." "Shit", MacGuyver said to himself. "Spike will be most upset." He then proceeded to fall back to sleep.  
  
Soon after MacGuyver re-entered the Zone of Sleep Linka was woken by a need to use the little tiny bathroom at the back of the plane. On her way back she heard a familiar laugh. Glancing around, Linka saw something she never expected to see on a plane to Austria, or to anywhere. "Oh my God, Richard", she said to herself, very, very shocked. That's right, it's the Richard who won the original "Survivor"! Linka, huge fan that she is, walked slowly up to Richard and bowed before him, after him, and pretty much to him. "Oh my God, Richard!" she repeated. "You were so great on "Survivor"! That million dollars was yours from the beginning. Everyone else would have been better off going home before they had the chance to be voted off. You ruled that game, man!" Richard was a little surprised by this outburst from the strange young woman with the even stranger accent. But who can help but be flattered by someone who thinks you're cool? Probably no one. "Why thank you, young lady", Richard said to Linka. "I'd really like to talk some more, but I really need to pee", Linka said with regret. "Maybe later, okay?" "Um, sure", Richard replied. Linka continued her delayed trip to the bathroom, upset that she was so busting that she couldn't talk to "Survivor" man Richard for longer. How extremely upsetting.  
  
Once Linka was done with all of that she went back to find Survivor man Richard again. Luckily for him he'd gone to hide before she came back. Sad and alone, Linka returned to her seat, only to find that the other Planeteers had woken up while she was gone. "Hi, guys!" she said. "You'll never guess who I just saw!" But Quami didn't have time for that. "We don't have time for that, Linka", Quami said. "Yeah", agreed Gee. "Do you realise both the time and the day?" "Oh my God!... No...", replied Linka. "What are both the time and the day?" "Sometimes you're so dumb I don't even know why I'm your special friend", Wheeler said to her. "You, of all people, should realise!" Linka was very upset by Wheelers harsh words, but then she remembered that vital something that she had forgotten. "I'm so retarded!" she exclaimed. "We're missing my favourite show in all of history! How could I forget about "BANANA MAN!!! God!" "So, now you figure it out!" said Marti. "Yes I have", said Linka", and I feel like a real moron for forgetting. I haven't missed an episode of "Banana Man" since it began. Maybe I'll be able to get this one on video once we get to Austria..."  
  
At this, MacGuyver opened his eyes, because he wasn't really asleep. He'll have to eavesdrop on people's conversations later. "We're not going to Austria", MacGuyver said tiredly. "What?" Wheeler asked, shocked. "We're not going to Austria", MacGuyver repeated. "Why not?" asked Gee. "Because of bad weather", MacGuyver replied. "We're landing in England instead." "England? Spike will be so disappointed", said Buffy, who had just woken up and heard MacGuyver's announcement. "Maybe we should wake everyone up and tell them about the change in plans", suggested Marti. "It wouldn't be fair to surprise them when we land and aren't in Austria." "That's a very good idea", said Quami. "Waking everyone up is a great plan." 


	14. The Musical Planeteers

Author's Notes: As far as I know, Intercontinental Airlines are not a real airline. If they are, I regretfully apologise for the error, and promise that no copyright infringement was intended.  
  
***  
  
Buffy leaned over Spike and slowly licked his cheek. Spike sat up straighter and opened his eyes. "Wow, I'm dreaming again", he said, mostly to himself. Buffy then slapped him around a little, although she was also quite flattered. "You're not dreaming, bleachy boy", she said to him. "I'm waking you up because we can't go to Austria anymore." "What?!" Spike cried, very upset. "Why aren't we going to Austria?" "Because", said Linka, from her seat next to Wheeler, "there's bad weather and the plane can't land there. We're going to England instead." "What are you talking about?" asked Spike. "There's no bad weather! It's not even raining!"  
  
But as Spike spoke, a clap of thunder sounded. Matt woke up at this, and dove quickly under his seat. MacGuyver laughed at him quietly. "Of course, you just HAD to say that, didn't you Spike!" Gee said sarcastically. Now now, I'm sure the little fate-tempter didn't mean it", said Quami. "Come on, it was just an accident." "Yeah, listen to him", said Spike, embarrassed at creating a storm all by himself. "He knows what he's talking about." "Never mind, we'll be all right", said Wheeler quickly. "It's time for us to wake up our remaining sleepy skeggy friends." "Good plan", agreed Buffy, and she and Wheeler continued with the waking of the skegs.  
  
Meanwhile, as rain began to pound against the little plane windows Matt cowered beneath his seat, shaking and obviously terrified. MacGuyver was puzzled. "What's wrong, Matt?" he asked the frightened little boy. "Nothing", Matt whispered. "Absolutely nothing." "You're not afraid of the Big Bad Storm, are you?" MacGuyver asked in one of those annoying fake baby voices. Spike's eyes shot open again (he needed to rest them for a bit longer). "Did someone call me?" he asked. "No, Spike", Buffy replied from across the plane, where she was trying to wake Mulder up with a newly sharpened pencil. "Go back to sleep dear." So Spike closed his eyes and went back to sleep. "Like I was saying", MacGuyver continued, "are you afraid of the storm, Matt?" Matt shivered then slowly nodded his head, certain that someone would comfort him. If only he had known the truth.  
  
All of the skegs that were currently awake exploded... into laughter. So did several of the surrounding passengers who had never met them before. While that was a little rude, it was also understandable. Matt cried quietly to himself as the storm raged outside.  
  
Meanwhile, a few metres away... Wheeler shook Lois hard. Luckily she woke up straight away; otherwise he may have resorted to more dramatic measures like Buffy had to. She was still trying to wake up Mulder. She had poured water over his head, poking him with a sharp pencil having been ineffective. When that (the water) didn't work Buffy covered his mouth and nose with her hands, hoping that when his air supply ran out he would have no choice but to wake up and remove her from his face. Buffy was quite confused when that method didn't work either. Mulder continued merrily snoring away, seemingly without a care in the world.  
  
Finally Buffy gave up and moved on to Gohan. She punched him in the stomach. Gohan opened his eyes and collapsed on the floor, screaming in pain and agony. Wheeler had already woken Lois, Snaps, and also someone he didn't know and had mistaken for Clark (oops!) by this point. He returned to his seat and waited for Buffy to awaken Mulder and the real Clark.  
  
...Ten Minutes Later... Every member of the skegs sat tiredly in their seats. "What's going on?" asked Mulder, who had finally woken up after Buffy hammered a rusty nail into his foot. Luckily Spike had all that was required for stitching it up again. "Everyone", MacGuyver announced to all of the skegs, ignoring Mulder, "there's been some unfortunate changes in the weather conditions. It's a shame, really." "Anyway, my fellow skegs", continued Linka, "this plane's not going to Austria anymore. But guess who's sitting over..." "Never mind that", Buffy interrupted. "Like the story was saying, us skegs will not be visiting Austria. Not today, anyway." "Instead we are going to..." added Wheeler, pausing for his friends in the know to join in, and they did, "...Austria! Oops, we mean... England!"  
  
There was quiet muttering between the other skegs. "I know what you mean", said Spike, taking the mutterings the wrong way. "I was disappointed too." "But we're not disappointed!" exclaimed Matt, from under his seat. "Well, I'm not, anyway. England is cool!" "Yeah, I agree with the scared boy!" agreed Snaps. "I want to take pictures of all the Pokémon that live in England, because that's what I like to do!" "I want to meet the Queen!" exclaimed Clark. "I want to meet the cast of Doctor Who, and get them to sign my cards! And I want to visit my family!" exclaimed Spike, but then he remembered that he wanted to go to Austria. "I mean, uh, I am like so opposed to this." "Sure Spike, whatever you say", teased the Buffster. "I want to eat bangers and mash!" exclaimed Fat Naked Riley's ghost... uh, I mean someone else called Mulder.  
  
Well, I guess no one's that disappointed, then", admitted MacGuyver, but he was interrupted by the loudspeaker. "Attention all passengers", it announced, "we will be landing shortly. You should be disembarking the plane in approximately fifteen minutes. Heathrow is looking simply lovely today, with a nice cove of cloud and smog. The weather is expected to be rainy, with a little sun later on. Local time is 10:30am, Tuesday. Yes that's right, the same day you left! We hope you enjoyed your flight with Intercontinental Airlines." The passengers cheered, because the Planeteers had decided to imitate one of their favourite movies by jumping into the aisles and singing a happy song, partnered with a happy dance. Cause you know, everyone loves the Brady Bunch because it's so happy! "Let me hear some of that good-time music that I love to hear. I've got plenty of moves, and sorta bad news, and I need to find me some cheer", they sang with glee.  
  
They continued their good-time music, singing and dancing and laughing, the other skegs and plane passengers clapping along, until... they got bored and decided to return to their seats with a minimum amount of fuss. "Man, you guys are the top shit!" Gohan exclaimed excitedly. "Yeah, really", agreed Mulder. "I don't think I've ever seen the Bradys perform so well! Where did they go? Oh no, I really wanted their autographs!" and Mulder again began to weep, like he had so many times before. He slumped in his seat, his head in his hands.  
  
"I don't know about everyone else", said Lois, "but I think that you guys should record an album. You are so very good enough." The Planeteers glanced around at each other, considering Lois' suggestion. Of course, they'd considered it before, but never truly believed that they were good enough. "Well", Quami began, again looking to the other Planeteers for approval, "we have considered that, but we were always so busy that there just wasn't time. I'd like to do it with you", he gestured to the Planeteers", my Planeteer pals, though. Someday, maybe." Quami sighed. "Quami, I had no idea you felt that way", said Gee, smiling at him. "I feel the same, you realise that, don't you?" "Thanks, Gee", Quami replied, returning her smile. Because you know, he wants his money back. No, not really. "We feel the same way", added Linka, on behalf of herself and Wheeler. "What about you, Marti?" asked Gee of the little South American boy.  
  
But Marti wasn't listening. I was too busy feeding a banana to that monkey that's always with him, but had been strangely absent since the skegs' journey began. "Yo, Marti!" Spike yelled at him, tapping him on the shoulder. "I think your planet pals are trying to ask you something." Marti looked all around the plane, caught sight of the Planeteers (minus himself, of course), and paled. "I uh, don't... don't know wha..." he stuttered then composed himself. "I'm sorry guys, I wasn't listening. Is this in reference to when Lois suggested that we record an album?" "Yes, it is", replied Quami. "What is your opinion on the topic?" "I think it's a simply smashing idea, just tops", said Marti. All of the skegs stared, and Marti giggled. "Sorry", he said. "I was just getting in ye olde English mood. Really, I think it's a great idea. Making a Planeteers album sounds really fun! Let's do that some time."  
  
"Well, you know", added Spike, "I have something that you might consider handy, here in my purple backpack." The Planeteers smiled at Spike in invitation for him to hand over whatever his backpack concealed. He reached into the back pocket of his backpack and pulled out... five microphones, a bunch of speakers, an amplifier, a bunch of cables, a four-track recorder, plus all the musical instruments you could ever want. All in all, a fairly impressive collection. "Wow, Spike!" exclaimed Linka. "That's a fairly impressive collection!"  
  
Everyone agreed besides Clark, who sat there scowling, his Wellington- covered feet tucked beneath him. 'Oh, how I wish I could be as popular as that vampire with the backpack when it comes to the other skegs', he thought to himself. 'But it doesn't really matter, because when the time is right I'll use the sacred power of the Wish Wellingtons. All will bow before me, and popular Mr Spike will feel my wrath. Then he won't feel so SPECIAL. You know I really enjoy this evil thing I've got going on.' But as no one in the whole world let alone the plane cared about Clark's evil plotting, none of the skegs noticed the frightening look that crossed his face when he thought about the impending massacre. Anyway, on with the show.  
  
"Wow Spike, are you really going to let us use all of this stuff?" Marti asked him. "Of course", replied Spike. "I mean, why not? I'm not using it. Plus, I think you could make a really good record, given the right material." "Thanks Spike, we really appreciate that", said Quami, giving Spike a friendly, appreciative pat on the back. Spike handed the Planeteers all of his equipment, but then decided that wasn't a very good idea. "You know my planet pals, it would really be easier if I continued carrying all this stuff in my backpack until the time comes for using it, later on", he said. Linka and Wheeler both opened their mouths to agree, but before they could say anything the plane dipped downwards. The speakers crackled. 


	15. That one where Quami dies

Author's Notes: It's been a while. I think I have four or five reviews now, so I'm as happy as can be. I should really write another stand-alone fic, but for now this will have to do.  
  
'Click-clack, front and back' is an Australian wear-your-seatbelts slogan.  
  
The president?: Let's get one thing clear, right now. The president is not my special friend. He is not my ANYTHING, as I'm not an American. I only have the mildest amount of contempt for him. But I'm not Clark, and he does not feel the same way I do.  
  
***  
  
"Attention all passengers, the plane has begun it's descent. Buckle your seatbelts, as we don't want you falling into the aisle. Two minutes, peoples, thank you", the pilot announced. "Like I was saying", continued Wheeler, "I'd be happy for you to carry this wonderful stuff for us." "Okay", said Spike, quickly stuffing all the musical equipment into his backpack, then buckling his seatbelt. "Come on everybody, do the hamster dance! Uh, I mean, put on your seatbelts." Everyone click-clacked, front and back and middle. The plane sped towards the ground, and just when everyone thought they were going to crash the plane levelled out, slowed down, and hit the ground running.  
  
"Touchdown! Yay!" exclaimed Mulder, bouncing in his seat. "I'm so excited!" said Buffy. "I've always wanted to visit the home of that old English guy that I hang out with all the time. "Me too!" exclaimed Gohan. "Me too!" exclaimed Clark, but then remembered he was evil and frowned again. "Me too!" exclaimed the Planeteers. "Me too!" exclaimed all the other skegs that hadn't said it yet. "Everyone up and out!" exclaimed the crazy flight attendant.  
  
All of the skegs stood up and in straight, single file they walked down the aisle and out the little door on the side of the plane. Down the little corridor that joins the plane to the airport the skegs departed, some skipping, others talking excitedly to each other. "I am SO EXCITED", Lois whispered to Mulder. Because you know, they're still going out. "Me too!" Mulder whispered back. "I mean, I've never been in an airport before." "What are you talking about?" said Clark, interrupting Mulder and Lois' private conversation. "How did you get on the plane, you crazy shithead?" "Well, um, you see... erm..." stuttered Mulder, but then he got pissed. "Mind your business, and get the fuck out of my way! You bad, bad man!" he yelled, getting right in Clark's face. Clark stepped away quickly. Mulder obviously hadn't brushed his teeth for a while, and the stench was over-powering. "Get out of my way, Spooky", Clark yelled at the person whom he had referred. No one will ever know how Clark knew Mulder's "nickname", and they don't want to.  
  
Mulder chose this moment to back off and get out of Clark's face just as he had been instructed, as he didn't want to spoil his special English fun. Clark, glad the confrontation was over, started humming the parts of the United States national anthem that he knew to himself. He sang the words of the last two lines loudly, as that is his favourite part: "In the land of the free! And the HOME of the BRAVE!" he sang, before saluting (in his mind) to the great president, his special friend. Matt shivered, not just because it's pretty chilly in these tunnels but also because singing a national anthem by choice, when there is no important sporting event taking place, is just too unusual. Clark had been scaring him ever since the events in the McDonalds, and that was long, long ago.  
  
Suddenly the tunnel ended, and the fourteen surviving skegs stepped into the glowing, unearthly light of Heathrow Airport. Strangely, nobody noticed that the tunnel between the plane and airport isn't meant to be anywhere near as long as it was. Linka was the first to speak. "Oh my God, I can see my lawyer! I wonder what he's doing in England?" she said. "Hey, Mr McDonald! Over here!"  
  
Clark looked up quickly, a chance to see his one true love much too hard to resist. But when he saw a young man carrying a briefcase and wearing a suit (NOT a clown costume), Clark remembered that he would never be lucky enough for dear Ronald to be in England with him, let alone at the airport. Having heard his name called Lindsey McDonald, the lawyer, turned and saw his clients Linka and Wheeler. As he didn't have a meeting with anyone for several hours Lindsay decided that, because he's evil, he would have a little fun. He walked over to the group and shook Linka's hand. "Hello, Linka, I haven't seen you for a while", he said with a smile.  
  
(Ten minutes later)  
  
"So, let me get this straight", said Lindsay, having just been told an extremely unbelievable story involving Dragon Balls, death, destruction, and also a special team name, which he wasn't yet allowed to know. "You want some 'Dragon Balls', and you're willing to lie, cheat, steal or kill to get them? And if you find all seven you can make wishes?" "Yes that's right, Mr McDonald", said Gohan encouragingly, still desperate for power. "And why again did you decide to do this?" Lindsay asked, confused. "Because... we want wishes, wishes I say, wishes, wishes!" exclaimed Linka, referring to the name she had long ago suggested in place of the name Buffy suggested, the skegs. "Oh, I see", replied Lindsay, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Everyone, I think we've been standing here for quite long enough", said MacGuyver. "Let's get our luggage. MacGuyver began walking in the general direction of baggage claim. "But MacGuyver!" called Matt. "No one except Spike has any bags, and he's already got that because he took it on the plane with him!" MacGuyver slowed, turned, and returned to the skegs and Mr McDonald with as little embarrassment as possible. "Fine then", he said. "Let's at least get out of this airport. I want to see London!" "Yeah! That's what we're here for!" exclaimed Snaps. "Well actually, we're here to find..." began Gohan, but he was interrupted by Wheeler. "Would you like to come to lunch with us, Mr McDonald?" he asked. "I think it's a bit early for lunch", Lindsay replied. How about some brunch? And please, call me Lindsay." "Oh, great!" said Linka. "And you can call me, um... what you already call me, because that's my first name. Come on, my skeggy pals! We're going to lunch!" All the skegs, even Clark, started whispering excitedly amongst themselves as they headed towards the exit. Why were they whispering? Nobody knows, but it may have to do with them thinking that they were in a library or something.  
  
When they reached the exit everybody paused. Cause you know, Lindsay's the only one that's been to London before, and everyone else was a bit nervous. "Come on, everyone!" Lindsay said. "We can't get brunch if were still at the airport!" "You're right, Mr McDonald", said Lois. "Let's go."  
  
And so the skegs and Lindsay left behind the safety and comfort of the airport, and stepped into the snowy whiteness of ye olde London town. And boy, was it cold? Yes, yes it was. "Oh my God!" exclaimed most of the Planeteers and Marti's monkey. "It's so fucking freezing!" Of course, the Planeteers usually only wear those T-Shirts with the yellow circle on the front, so it's unsurprising that they were cold. But when Matt began to cry, Clark became very annoyed. "What's wrong with you, little baby?" said Clark in a teasing voice. "Is your turtleneck not warm enough for you?" Matt stopped crying as he was suddenly too pissed off for that kind of thing. "You stupid, stupid psychopath!" he yelled in Clarks face. Why do so many people get in Clark's face? "Notice the fact that this 'turtleneck' has no sleeves? Unsurprisingly, this DOES have an effect on how cold I am, whether you like it or not!"  
  
Wanting to solve the problem, and also wanting her and her skeggy pals (as well as their new friend Lindsay McDonald) to move from the middle of the ice and snow-covered sidewalk to somewhere warmer, Buffy spoke up. "Attention peoples, please", Buffy announced. "I was hoping that Spike would be nice enough to purchase us all some warmer clothes. Although I don't need them, what with my floor length, hooded sweater." "Um, sure I'll buy you new clothes, guys", said Spike. "Would you like any new clothes, Mr McDonald?" "No thankyou", said Mr McDonald. "And call me Lindsay. You can ALL call me Lindsay." "Of course, I don't need new clothes either, what with my jeans and lovely leather duster", Spike added. "Duster?" asked Snaps, his teeth chattering about the weather to one another. "How will a duster help you to stay warm?" "Leather duster, not feather duster you silly, silly Pokéboy", replied Spike. "Come on guys, let's stop fighting and get to the nearest department store for our new warm clothes!" said Buffy. "I agree", agreed Lindsay, as he was very hungry and wanted his brunch. Why, oh why had he agreed to eat with these people? 'I knew I'd regret this', Lindsay though to himself.  
  
The skegs (and Lindsay) walked slowly down the cold sidewalk, but suddenly Spike remembered something very important! "Oh, bloody hell!" he cried. "Sorry people, but I'm going to have to run back to the airport. I forgot to change this, erm, currency I have here in my pocket to UK pounds. You guys wait here, I'll be back in a second. You can also, you know, decide what you want to buy while I'm gone." Spike ran off quickly in the direction of the airport.  
  
When he returned, the first thing that Spike noticed was Quami, slumped on the snowy ground. The second thing he noticed was all of the other skegs gathered around him. "Hi guys, I'm back", Spike announced. "What happened to Quami? Is Lindsay still here?" But then Spike noticed the evil (but no one knows that yet) lawyer, crouching over Quami. Lois extracted herself from the huddle surrounding the prone Planeteer, walked over Spike and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I don't know how to tell you this, Spike", she said. "While you were away exchanging your money for something that can be used for buying in this country, which I think is very generous by the way... Quami's heart just gave up and stopped. He just couldn't take the cold. He's..." "No, don't say it!" Spike interrupted, frantic. "Not now, not after all we've been through together!" Spike ran over to Quami and tried to slap him awake, but his chip would not allow that. He fell back, clutching his skull and moaning in pain. Luckily Buffy was there to kiss it better.  
  
Lindsay lowered a sheet (hey, where'd he get that from?) over Quami's head. "He's gone", Lindsay said in a solemn voice (because it really is sad). But suddenly, giggles and strange, frightening laughter was heard from under the sheet. The rest of the skegs that aren't Spike also began to laugh, guffaw and chuckle. Spike glanced around at everyone, confused, then jumped backwards in surprise and slipped over on his backside when 'dead' Quami sat up, got off the ground, and started jiggin' it up in the snow.  
  
Spike backed away in fear.  
  
"Aren't you dead?!" he exclaimed, strangely afraid. All the other skegs and Lindsay the evil lawyer were still laughing at him. "It was a joke!" Quami exclaimed, with glee. "Isn't that funny!" Spike frowned. Jokes about people being dead aren't very funny. But then he remembered that, as a vampire, he loved death, destruction, and all things bloody. "Wow!" he cheered. "That was a great trick! But come on now, I've got a few thousand pounds and I don't know what to do with it! Any suggestions?" "Clothes shopping!" exclaimed Buffy. "Merchandise!" exclaimed Quami. "Cameras!" exclaimed Snaps. "Then I can take more pictures of Pokémon!" "Fairy Wings!" exclaimed Mulder, and the skegs proceeded to look at him strangely. "Brunch! Please, I'm starving!" exclaimed Lindsay.  
  
***  
  
Bad place to end, I know. But this parts taken me months to type, and I just have to stop now. 


	16. Detachable Sleeves

Author's Notes: Are shopping centres called that everywhere? What I'm referring to is a mall. The one with lots and lots of shops that has a happy vibe (and often more than one CD store, yay!), and usually a few department stores. K-Mart? That's just Wal-mart, only... K! And in Australia! I don't know if they're actually in England. I was being creative. On a completely different note, I don't actually know if children are allowed in English pubs. I made up my imaginary knowledge, and I'm sticking with it.  
  
Ug boots are sheepskin-lined shoes that are not acceptable in public unless you live in Canberra and it's winter. I don't live there, but I've visited, and it's really a shoe-ed site to behold. Just think slippers with rubber soles if you don't know what I mean.  
  
Trolleys? Shopping carts. Everyone knows that, I think.  
  
***  
  
"Alright, I think we'll spend some of my money on clothes first", said Spike. "Then we can have some brunch", he added, nodding at Lindsay. "Then we'll find a hotel, and then", Spike paused for effect, "Sightseeing!" Everyone cheered, because Spike's plan sounds like a pretty good one. "Where are we getting our clothes?" asked Clark. "And can we hurry up about it?" "Yeah, let's hurry up a little", agreed Matt, which is strange because no one ever agrees with Clark. It must be because his shirt has no sleeves and it's snowing. If I were him I'd want to hurry up too.  
  
"I say we go to that strategically placed shopping centre over there", suggested Gee. "Yeah, let's go", agreed Lindsay, and so he and the skegs made the long, hundred-metre journey to the shopping centre. In the door they went, and when they noticed a sign that said 'K Mart, this way', they happily followed it. "Yay, K-Mart!" exclaimed Lois. "The greatest shop of all. Who knew they had them in England?" "I sure didn't", said Buffy as the skegs (and Lindsay) entered the large doors of K-Mart. "Where do we want to go first?" asked Matt. "Everyone split up, and get what you want, and we'll meet at the register in twenty-five minutes. See you all then!" decided Spike. The skegs dispersed, to choose some warm clothes to where because London is really chilly.  
  
(35 minutes later [because you know, everyone's late])  
  
The skegs arrived at the cash register where Spike was waiting, each pushing a trolley with a few (or occasionally more) items in them. "It's about time!" called Spike when he saw them coming. "I've been waiting for ten minutes!" "We're sorry", said Lois. "Or, at least, Mulder and I are. "Yeah, we are too", said Wheeler and Linka. "Yeah, is too", said everyone else. "Well, that's okay then, I forgive you", said Spike. "Now let's see what you got!"  
  
Matt reached into his trolley and pulled out... "Detachable sleeves!" he exclaimed. "So now I don't have to take my favourite sweater vest off!" Then Matt grabbed the only other item in his trolley that was bigger than a bread box. "This here is another thing I want", Matt continued. "It's a lovely furry coat, just like that one that Harry from 3rd Rock from the Sun has! It looked really warm!" Everyone was severely impressed by Matt's coat. "I really like your coat, Matt", said Lindsay. "Your name IS MATT, isn't it?" "Yes, my name is Matt", replied Matt. "Thanks for the compliment, Mr McDonald." "PLEASE, CALL ME LINDSAY", said Lindsay, trying to keep himself under control. "Oh, okay", said Matt. "Did you get anything else, Matt?" asked Gohan, not noticing that yes, items still remained in Matt's trolley. Cause, you know, Gohan's a moron. "Why yes, I did", replied Matt. "I have these", he pointed, "mittens, and these", he pointed again, "ug boots." "That's great", said Spike. "But as this will take much too long if everyone displays their new clothes one at a time, how about you all put them on the check out, and as the nice lady puts them in bags we can each see everyone else's purchases."  
  
No one had any real problem with this suggestion, so they all lined up at one register, holding their soon-to-be-new clothes so that there were no trolleys in the way. Spike came up the rear (ew, no! Not that way!) because he was paying for the whole enterprise. Matt put his lovely items up on the counter and the checkout chick, who's nametag read 'Janet' (but that may not be her name), scanned them, typed something on the cash register and placed the detachable sleaves, Harry-style coat, mittens and ug boots in a plastic bag. She then put the full bag to one side. "Yay, my clothes are purchased!" exclaimed Matt, as he skipped/ran through the stolen object detector to stand next to his newly purchased items.  
  
Up next for the buying fun was MacGuyver. He placed a sports coat, a Star Trek-style sweater and a beaney on the counter. "Are you SURE that's what you want?" asked checkout chick Janet. "I mean, it's pretty cold out there." "I know it is", replied MacGuyver. "But I'm sure this enough to keep me warm during the long winter nights. Unless, of course, you'd like to help out?" Janet laughed at MacGuyver for a while, and that was the end of that. MacGuyver's jacket, sweater and beaney were scanned and put in a plastic bag. That plastic bag was then placed next to Matt and his new clothes.  
  
"Next up, me!" announced Marti with his monkey; he placed a dressing gown, some thick socks, and a hat with earflaps on the counter. Janet scanned them, put them in a bag and placed it next to Matt and his bag (as well as MacGuyver and his bag).  
  
Buffy stepped up to the plate, also known as the counter. On said counter she placed a long-sleeved turtleneck because, although she really admires Matt's shirt, it's a little too chilly for something sleeveless. Janet scanned the turtleneck, put it in a bag, and placed the bag with the others. As Mulder was next in line he also put his purchases (a priest's robe cause they're really warm, and some leg warmers) on the counter, and they were bagged. Then that bag was transferred to the other bags. Mulder and Buffy joined Matt, MacGuyver and Marti on the other side of the counter.  
  
"This is getting ridiculous", said Clark. "Why do we have to see what everyone bought? It'll become quite obvious once everyone puts their clothes on anyway. Let's just shove our clothes through quickly." "Oh, alright", agreed Linka. "Yeah, I was getting bored anyway", said someone else.  
  
So everyone put their stuff on the counter quickly, and Janet moved all of the warm stuff past the scanner and put them into plastic bags, then transferred the bags to where she had left that which she had already scanned and bagged. Visible amongst the purchases was a fur-lined jacket, another hat with earflaps and some tiger-striped leggings with stirrups attached. The remaining skegs made the short trek to join the others. Spike stayed behind to pay Janet. "That'll be £525.98, thanks", said Janet. Spike gave Janet £530, and she gave him £4.02 change. "Thanks, luv", Spike said. Would you like to come to brunch with my friends and I?" "I would", Janet replied, "but I've got to work until three this afternoon. Maybe some other time?" "Sure thing, pet", Spike said, disappointed because Janet's pretty hot and Buffy aint putting out. "But I've just got ask, did anyone ever tell you that you look exactly like as Susan Sarandon?" "Yeah, I get that a lot", Janet admitted.  
  
Spike joined the skegs, because they were coming apart. "I think it's time for us to put our new clothes on", he announced. "Yeah, let's do that!" agreed MacGuyver. "But where?" asked Lois. "How about those public toilets?" suggested Marti and his monkey, gesturing to the public toilets in question.  
  
Everyone agreed, so they headed towards the public toilets to do what had previously been discussed. Seventeen minutes later they emerged, clothed in all of their glory and all that was glorious. "Wow, you look great!" exclaimed Wheeler, in reference to his special friend Linka. "You too!" she replied, smiling very, very wide. "Yeah sure, we all look", said Lindsay. "But let's just get over all of the clothes and HAVE BRUNCH!"  
  
Everyone agreed with the crazy evil lawyer, and so they began their search. But his time they weren't searching for Dragon Balls or Dragon's Balls, no sirree. This time the skegs and Lindsay were looking for a suitable brunch venue. "I think the best place for this many people would be an olde English pub", suggested Lindsay. "Or maybe a McDonalds." The skegs groaned. "I don't think any of us will be going back to McDonalds for a long time", said Marti's monkey. Yes, it can talk, but only once every 4.3299 months. So that's it from the monkey. Bye monkey. "What's wrong with McDonalds?" asked Lindsay the skegs that aren't Marti's monkey, because asking a monkey like that is just silly. "Well", replied Gohan, "there was an unusual incident involving a McDonalds, back in the country we were in before coming to this one. I don't want to talk about it. Ever."  
  
Lindsay understood straight away. There had been several incidents in the past that had involved himself, McDonalds, and public nudity. But more about that later.  
  
"Alright, I'm taking you all out to a pub!" Lindsay exclaimed, extremely thankful that he was going to finally get some brunch after waiting for so very long. Of course, Snaps had to dash his hopes and shatter his dreams. "Uh, excuse me everybody", he stuttered, because he has a speech impediment. "Matt, Gohan and I can't go into a pub. We're just not old enough." "You stupid little boy!" yelled Clark, this time reversing the roles by getting in Snaps face before Snaps could get in his. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that underage people like you can get into British pubs, you just can't drink anything? Some people are so idiotic that I can hardly stand it. I mean really, wise up, assboy." Snaps was extremely upset by Clarks' harsh words, and so he quickly moved away from him.  
  
"Well, it looks like we're going to a pub, then", said the previously dead Quami. "I saw one on the way to K-Mart called Ye Olde English Pub!" said Mulder. "And I DO mean old! And English! And a pub! Ah hahahahaha!" The skegs and Lindsay were afraid. "That's... nice, Mulder", said Buffy, just as afraid as the other skegs. "And on other, less worrying topics, let's get going!"  
  
Buffy began walking in the direction of Ye Olde English Pub (no, Mulder did NOT imagine it) and the skegs quickly followed. Thirty seconds later (because the pub was nearby) the skegs arrived at Ye Olde English Pub. They entered the medieval-style decorated doors one at a time, then sat down at four tables in close proximity to one another. At table one the five Planeteers shared one menu, as Mulder and Clark had joined forces in an effort to rid the world of an unnecessarily large number of menus that plague many a-restaurant. At table two the occupants, Spike, Buffy, MacGuyver and Lois were discussing what exactly would be the best food for their scrumptious brunch.  
  
In the netherworld (well, really at a different table) Mulder and Clark were playing with their menus while at the same time trying to hide them from Matt, Gohan and Snaps, who were sitting at (yes that's right!) table number four. Well, Mulder was playing with the menus (and trying to build a tower out of them). Clark was trying to remember why he had decided to join forces with the crazy, crazy man to begin with. No stack of menus is worth this much.  
  
Lindsay stood, sad and alone, because he had no idea where to sit. But suddenly his problem was solved. "Yo Lindsay, my man!" yelled Spike. "Come over here and sit with us!" Spike gestured to the people sitting at his table, but in a nice. Lindsay, relieved that he didn't have to go about the embarrassing task of actually ASKING if he could sit with people, hurried over to Spike's table and grabbed the last chair. And then he sat in it. Mm, comfy... 


	17. I'm not fancy, but I'll eat brunch anywa...

Author's Notes: I do not condone the consumption of alcohol by minors. That's why Snaps, Gohan and Matt drink Coke instead of beer. As for Coke itself, I don't own that. The Coke people do. Diet Coke's better anyway. In don't own that either.  
  
***  
  
"So, what are we going to order?" asked Gohan. "If anyone's going to try that bullshit from last time I'll be severely pissed off!" threatened Clark. Though Lindsay had no idea what happened last time he decided to remain silent anyway. He wasn't in the mood for another pathetic sob story. "How about we just get twenty-five plates of scones and four pots of tea?" suggested Marti, his monkey strangely silent. "Then we could all share." "But I don't WANT tea..." cried Wheeler. "I want beer!" "Yeah, I do too!" said Spike. "Cause you know, badass vampires always drink the evil, naughty alcohol." "Yeah, I wanted that naughty stuff too!" exclaimed Mulder. "Because I'm a naughty boy! I want a spanking! Give me a spanking!"  
  
Mulder began to jump and bounce in his seat, and Clark moved as far away from him as he possibly could without running, terrified, from the pub. Two elderly, unattractive men had begun to move in Mulder's direction, desperate to receive the fun job of spanking Mulder's cute little butt. Luckily Clark stood up then and growled evilly at the advancing fat bastards. They backed away slowly and returned to their seats by the bar.  
  
"Mulder, what have we told you about talking like that?" said/asked Lois. "Always express yourself?" guessed Mulder in response to his girlfriend's (whom he was not sitting with for some reason) question. The skegs and Lindsay sighed. "Well, how many people want beer?" asked MacGuyver. "All those who do please raise your hand." Wheeler, Spike, Mulder, Lois, Clark, Buffy, Gee and Snaps raised their hands. "Alrighty!" continued MacGuyver, beer man extraordinaire. "I, of course, want beer. So if you include Wheeler, Spike, Lois, Clark, Buffy and Gee, that's seven beers."  
  
Everyone lowered their hand except Mulder. He continued frantically waving his in the air. Lois left her seat and joined Mulder at his table. "I'm sorry, dear", she said. "But I don't think beer would be the best thing for someone in you current, erm... condition." Mulder continued waving his hand in the sir for a little longer, then lowered it and covered his face with a napkin, ashamed that he had become so crazy that he could no longer drink beer.  
  
MacGuyver walked to the bar so that he could order seven beers and Lindsay, annoyed that he had forgotten to ask for a beer yet not awake enough to call out to MacGuyver that he wanted one, dropped his head onto the table. He instantly regretted it, as the smell of urine instantly filled his nostrils.  
  
"What food are we going to get?" asked Gohan, suddenly very hungry. "I say we just go for some scones", said Linka, and the other skegs (not including MacGuyver, who was off ordering the beers) agreed. "What about the tea?" asked Buffy. "Do those of you not having beer still want tea?" "Well, I'd personally rather have some Coke", said Matt. The other non-alcoholic skegs agreed.  
  
Gohan left his seat, borrowed money from Spike, and headed for somewhere that sold both scones and Coke. On his way Gohan passed MacGuyver, who was struggling back to the tables carrying seven beers on a tray. When MacGuyver arrived back at the tables he handed out the beers to Buffy, Gee, Lois, Clark, Wheeler, Spike and himself. Because they're the ones that ordered them, you know. He then returned to his seat, sipping his beer as he went. "Mm, it's been a while since I drank real, good quality English beer", said Spike. "I'd forgotten how great it is." "Speak for yourself!" contested Buffy. "This is crap compared to what I drink at home. Wherever that is." "Now, now Buffy", said Lindsay. "We didn't come here to fight. We cam to drink beer and eat scones!" Buffy didn't want to upset Lindsay, the skegs' new friend, so she discontinued the conversation. She wasn't in the mood to argue, anyway.  
  
It was at about this time that Gohan returned with thirty scones and two jugs of Coke as well as many cups, at least enough for the people who wanted one. He placed both the scones, and the Coke and cups on the table that was closest to the middle of the group and returned to his seat. "Two, four, six, eight, dig in, don't wait!" exclaimed Quami, and the skegs and Lindsay dug in and they didn't wait. Those without beer grabbed a cup and poured a Coke, and everyone grabbed two scones along with the jam and cream that came with them. Everyone except Lindsay, that is, as he is secretly allergic to all cow products including the meat.  
  
As the skegs and Lindsay feasted on their... feast, a man in the middle of the pub began to spin in a circle very quickly, his arms stretched out wide on either side of him. The man continued spinning, in the direction of the door, until he had spun himself right outside. That was unusual.  
  
Our special friends continued their feasting on either scones and beer or scones and Coke. Clark finished first because, as he has Superman-style powers (because he's Superman) he was able to suck it all up in ten seconds flat. Clark chugged the rest of his beer, then stood up. "I'm going to the bathroom!" he announced to the room in general. The skegs, still chewing and swallowing their scones, nodded their consent. Clark licked the last of the crumbs from his plate, then headed for the sign featuring a male and a female at the back of the pub. When he reached two doors, one featuring a male symbol and the other featuring a female symbol, he was smart enough to remember that he was male. Clark pushed the door with a male symbol on it open, ignored the sinks, and headed straight for the trough. All the while, Clark was thinking about how great it would be to have all the Dragon Balls so that he would be able to wish a plague on many houses. He had again forgotten that he was wearing Wish Wellingtons.  
  
Whilst Clark was in the toilet peeing and thinking dark thoughts, those still having fun at the tables were coming to an end where brunch was concerned. "Those were some top scones", said Spike. He had only eaten them out of respect for Gohan (he usually doesn't eat, being a vampire and all), even though he doesn't actually respect Gohan. "I agree", said Gee. "Although they don't usually taste very nice with beer, I still preferred those scones to any that I have ever had in the place where I live. Wherever that is." "Yes, I feel the way", said Wheeler. All in all, the skegs and Lindsay were not having a whole lot of fun.  
  
Meanwhile Clark had finished at the trough and had (luckily) moved on to the sink. When he was done with that, Clark decided into the girl's toilets for the sole purpose of looking under locked doors. He opened the door and peeked inside, making sure that no ladies were standing at the sink. When he saw that the coast was clear Clark scampered in and checked to make sure that not all of the stalls were vacant. When he saw that two were locked, Clark entered the end stall and climbed onto the toilet seat so that he would be able to look over the wall. Unfortunately for Clark, but fortunately for the woman in the stall who's privacy was about to be invaded, Clark had neglected to notice that the toilet he was standing on had recently been cleaned, and was thus very wet and slippery. Everyone in the pub heard the splash. As Clark fell, he wondered if his bottom would get stuck, just as Ally McBeal's had on the television show of the same name.  
  
Outside, Snaps' first thought when he heard the splash that came from the women's toilets was that there was a water Pokémon swimming in one of the bowls. His second thought was that he should maybe run in and take a picture of it. After all, he DOES like taking pictures of Pokémon, whether they're swimming in a toilet bowl in the women's toilets or not.  
  
Clark stood up, his feet in the toilet bowl, and shook himself like a dog. His foot hit something, and Clark began to pray that it had been properly flushed. Slowly he looked down, and was so shocked at what he saw that he grabbed it straight away and ran back into the pub in the direction of the skeg-o-rama tables, not bothering to wash his treasure, or even his hands.  
  
When the skegs and Lindsay saw Clark sprinting in their direction, grasping something in both hands, they became decidedly worried. "You know, I'm decidedly worried about why Clark is sprinting in our direction", said Gee. "I know exactly what you mean, agreed MacGuyver. "Especially since he's so very evil. It makes me feel uncomfortable." The other skegs muttered their agreement, but they quickly silenced themselves when Clark arrived, his prize in hand. "What's that you've got there, Crazy Clark?" asked silly old Spike. "You wouldn't be calling me crazy if you knew what I'd just found", said Clark, in a fairly smug way. "Well, what is it?" asked Lois. "Yeah, what is it?" asked everyone except Lindsay, who had given in and gone to get himself a beer. "It's a..." began Clark, opening his hand and showing them his prize, but he didn't get to finish. "A Dragon Ball!" exclaimed everyone. "You found a Dragon Ball!" "I must say, well done, dear boy", said Gohan, patting Clark on the back.  
  
"Where'd you find it?" asked Matt. "Well, that's a story involving intrigue, happiness, sadness, death, destruction, and..." began Clark, excited that he was finally the centre of attention, but the skegs (with Lindsay, who had returned with his beer) were having none of that. "Get over yourself, Clark" said Gohan. "Just tell us where you got the Dragon Ball!" "Oh. Oh. Alright", said Clark. "I got it in a toilet bowl." "Gross", said Buffy. "You washed it, right?" "Yes. Yes I did", replied Clark, ashamed, both about lying and about not washing the precious Dragon Ball. Quami again pulled out his notebook that he had used after the discovery of the previously found Dragon Balls, and wrote down where this third one (which, incidentally, had three stars on it) had been found. The Dragon Ball was placed in the same tissue-filled shoebox as the other two Dragon Balls, and the box was put away for safekeeping.  
  
Suddenly Spike remembered something. "Didn't you find a Dragon Ball in the McDonalds' toilets?" he asked Mulder, who shrugged in reply. "Wait, I'll check my notebook", said Quami. "After all, I did write where each Dragon Ball was found." Quami followed up his comment with a checking of his notebook. "Yep", he said. "It says that Mulder found his Dragon Ball in the sink. Well, that IS unusual." The skegs fell silent, as Lindsay finished his newly purchased beer. "Is this... normal?" Snaps asked Gohan. "Are the Dragon Balls usually found in public toilets?" "Well, they weren't ALL found in public toilets", said Gohan. "MacGuyver found his in a bin of Kinder Surprises at a gas station, back in the mother country." "Yeah, I suppose", said Snaps.  
  
"Okay, friends", began Lindsay. "It's been really fun, but I think it's time for me to leave. I really have to look for a hotel, and I have a meeting later on." All of the skegs were upset by this. "You can't leave, Lindsay!" cried Linka, his client. "We're having so much fun!" "Yeah, my special new lawyer pal!" agreed Mulder. "Let's have a slumber party! Please, please stay with us!" "Actually, although I wouldn't have said it quite like that, I kind of agree with little Mulder Man", said Spike. "Why don't you get a hotel with us? Is your meeting really that important?" "It IS important", said Lindsay. "But I suppose there's no harm in getting a hotel room with you guys. I suppose. It'll be fun! Yeah, okay. Yep. Yep." The skegs were a little confused by Lindsay's behaviour, and answer. "Is that a yes or a no?" asked Lois. "It's a yes", Lindsay replied. "A great big yes." The skegs and Lindsay then cheered, and that was the end of that. 


End file.
